He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not? HE LOVES ME!

Sorry if this post is all over the place....it was 4:30 in the morning. :)

Lately, I've been going through some things.

As I make my way through the challenges I am faced with, I must confess, I have been frustrated with the Lord. There are times when I feel like I have to prove myself, not just to Him, but everyone. I know deep down, somewhere in there, that I don't have to prove anything, but when I'm going through a rainstorm, things aren't so clear.

I've been feeling discouraged, frustrated, alone and sad. I'm a really passionate person, if someone I care about is being hurt or attacked, I have their back. Well, I have never had someone like that for me, and honestly, there are times when I feel like even the Lord doesn't have my back.

It's like, somehow I'm not good enough, or what I say or do doesn't matter.

It feels as though it's one thing after another. I try to follow a 'formula' of sorts---like being 'good' should equal less trials, right? While going through life, I pray for wisdom, seek wise counsel and so on, but yet, like the Israelites, I feel as though I'm wandering the desert. To me, if you do what your supposed to, you should pass the test, right? In a perfect world, yes. Unfortunately, we are not in a perfect world.

I feel misunderstood very often. As I was praying, I was wondering if this was my cross to bear in life. I felt discouraged and sad. Later, Luke and I started talking about bearing crosses. He mentioned that he thought mine was dealing with injustice, which IS a huge struggle for me. I said "Great, I have more than one cross." Then, I explained what I thought it was. He made a comment that being misunderstood is an injustice. You want people to see your heart, you try to communicate your feelings and instead people might take things in a way they were not intended. Instead of looking at your heart and WHO you are, they come to their own conclusion  That's most definitely not fair and is an injustice.

So, I've been struggling to even pray for myself or even read the Bible.....I felt like---what's the point? I don't want to argue why I'm 'worthy' of being loved. So, I spent most of my time praying for others and their needs.

Well-it's 4:30am and I cannot sleep because Luke is snoring. I decided to read the Bible and opened my Bible App on my phone. As it was loading, I closed my eyes and asked the Lord to guide me to a passage. Within seconds--'start at Isaiah.....54:7'
Ummmm-ok.....

⁷ “For a brief moment I abandoned you,
   but with deep compassion I will bring you back.
⁸ In a surge of anger
   I hid my face from you for a moment,
but with everlasting kindness
   I will have compassion on you,”
   says the LORD your Redeemer.

 ⁹ “To me this is like the days of Noah,
   when I swore that the waters of Noah would never again cover the earth.
So now I have sworn not to be angry with you,
   never to rebuke you again.
¹⁰ Though the mountains be shaken
   and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
   nor my covenant of peace be removed,”
   says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

 ¹¹ “Afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted,
   I will rebuild you with stones of turquoise,^[a]
   your foundations with lapis lazuli.
¹² I will make your battlements of rubies,
   your gates of sparkling jewels,
   and all your walls of precious stones.
¹³ All your children will be taught by the LORD,
   and great will be their peace.
¹⁴ In righteousness you will be established:
Tyranny will be far from you;
   you will have nothing to fear.
Terror will be far removed;
   it will not come near you.
¹⁵ If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing;
   whoever attacks you will surrender to you.

 ¹⁶ “See, it is I who created the blacksmith
   who fans the coals into flame
   and forges a weapon fit for its work.
And it is I who have created the destroyer to wreak havoc;
 ¹⁷ no weapon forged against you will prevail,
   and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.
This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD,
   and this is their vindication from me,”
            declares the LORD.

This isn't the first time, and I'm sure it's not the last time, that the Lord has 'spoken' to me. He has faithfully revealed Himself to me over and over again.......yet, I doubt His love for me. Talk about an injustice.

Through all that, He STILL loves me.

Continued Prayers and Support

A few days ago, I wrote a post about Mila Adams

I have another link for you as well. It's a link where you can donate, buy shirts/stickers/bracelets and it has an address listed so you can send her an encouraging card. It's her birthday on June 16th and she'll be spending it in the hospital.

Please check out the new link, spread the word and continue to pray for Mila!

Thank you!

Princess Mila

Prayers

Please pray for the daughter of my friend's friend. She is 6 years old and has cancer (tumor in her brain) and cancer cells in her spinal fluid. Her name is Mila Adams--here is her caringbridge site


Mila Adams

the cancer is an aggressive type :(

Thank you!

Are You Fronting?

I can tell an authentic smile from unhappiness fronting as one.

I don't mean that in a cocky way. I don't know 'why' I can, but I can. I might not always come out and say something, maybe it's not the time or the place. However, you can be sure that whether I say something or not, I see it.

I can't really explain 'how' I do it. I guess it's something with the eyes.....I can actually see joy or sadness in them. I think it's something with the body language too...sometimes, it's like they glow (not literally) when they're joyful....I can even see it from a picture. Then, there's also just a sense.....I can sort of 'feel' their sadness or their joy.

It pulls at my heart when I see the sadness behind the smile. I feel sad that they feel the need to hide it, or maybe they don't realize it.....I can relate to both. Maybe, that's what hurts my heart the most.

I wish I could help people who don't have that joy.
I can't....but I know Who can. ;)
So, I just pray.

Fight or Flight.........or Fall

Once upon a time I LOVED to fly. Really, really, really loved to fly.

When my BFF Sarah lived in Kansas, I would often fly down to visit. I treasured the take off, time in the air and landing. It still amazes me that planes can fly. I mean, those things are huge....(that's what she said)....seriously, and with all those people and all that luggage.....AND it stays in the air for a LONG time (I said it once and I'm not saying it again).....I could sit at an airport and watch planes take off and land all day long. 

However, in 2006, when our family first flew together, flying was no longer relaxing. About a week before the flight I had a horrible dream that something was wrong with the plane and the plane was going to crash. Now, it's not uncommon for me to have dreams that come true.....usually, I have a 'feeling' and kind of 'know' which ones are warnings of sorts. I knew this one was one of those. Being a superstitious/paranoid/worrisome/anxious person, I didn't want to tell ANYONE about the dream, fearing that would somehow 'make' it come true. I prayed a lot about it, then decided to tell my mother-in-law, so she could pray as well. 

On the day of our flight, we checked in, went through security and sat for a bit. We were then informed that our flight was going to be delayed. We waited eight hours for them to find a different plane, they had to fly it in from somewhere else. Turned out, they found some huge issue with the plane....serious enough to ground it. So, ever since that day, I've been more nervous flying.

Last weekend, Luke and I went to Arizona, without the kids. I was pretty busy right up until we boarded and didn't have much time to stress about the actual flight. Luke and I didn't get to sit together because of an Expedia mix-up, but I was just glad to be on the plane and finally headed to warmer weather. The flight was uneventful and went rather smoothly.

Then came the flight home. We got to sit next to each other, so that was good.....the take off....not so much. It felt like we couldn't get air under us. We flew low for a LONG time and there was a lot of turbulance. Panic set in as I nervously watched to see if we were going down. I was sick to my stomach and inside was shaking. I hid it well, Luke had no idea. Once were finally up, I was exhausted from worrying so much, but was able to somewhat relax......not too much though, because I knew we were about to fly into some bad weather and could have to land in it.

When the flight started, the pilot mentioned it would be about a 2 hour and 45 minute flight. Sounded great, until we began the descent. I am not kidding.....it took at LEAST 45 minutes for us to land. We were flying super low, I could see a plane off to the side, there was a lot of turbulence, we kept flying in circles, all the while listening to the landing gear go up and down. Of course, no one telling us anything.

Remember this? It wasn't that long ago....but I remember watching it and being nervous for the people.

Jet Blue

So, at this point I'm picturing my poor kids watching, whatever is happening with our plane, unfold. I'm also watching us fly over the lake, wondering if we're dropping fuel or maybe we have to land, a la Sully Sullenberger......and I can't go onto my wi-fi because at this point "all electronic devices must be turned off." It was awful.

Once we finally did land, I was so thankful. We never did find out any info on what happened. Plus, you know how the pilots usually stand near the cockpit and say good-bye to you? They didn't even come out.

Will I ever be able to enjoy flying again?!

Living After Loss

Today's blog isn't about me.....but a friend.

Her name is Annie, and she is a precious and humble person. Unfortunately, her baby Jack was taken out of this world much, much too soon. Annie has decided to blog about the journey she is now on and openly shares her thoughts and feelings.

Sometimes, it's hard to know what to say or do when someone you care about loses someone they love.

If you get a chance, I highly recommend you check it out!

Life...in Progress

Speechless

So much has been going on. I'm just having a problem putting it all into words.

Many of my friends have been talking about the book, Heaven is for Real. Since I haven't had time to purchase the book, I bought the audio iPhone App. Just thinking of the book brings tears to my eyes. What the Lord did in their lives is nothing short of amazing. I encourage you to read it or listen to the audio.

That's all I can say right now, because there just aren't any words.

As I said on my FB page-I'm speechless. It doesn't happen very often-you should just enjoy it.
:)


John 20:29
Then Jesus told him, "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed."