He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not? HE LOVES ME!

Sorry if this post is all over the place....it was 4:30 in the morning. :)

Lately, I've been going through some things.

As I make my way through the challenges I am faced with, I must confess, I have been frustrated with the Lord. There are times when I feel like I have to prove myself, not just to Him, but everyone. I know deep down, somewhere in there, that I don't have to prove anything, but when I'm going through a rainstorm, things aren't so clear.

I've been feeling discouraged, frustrated, alone and sad. I'm a really passionate person, if someone I care about is being hurt or attacked, I have their back. Well, I have never had someone like that for me, and honestly, there are times when I feel like even the Lord doesn't have my back.

It's like, somehow I'm not good enough, or what I say or do doesn't matter.

It feels as though it's one thing after another. I try to follow a 'formula' of sorts---like being 'good' should equal less trials, right? While going through life, I pray for wisdom, seek wise counsel and so on, but yet, like the Israelites, I feel as though I'm wandering the desert. To me, if you do what your supposed to, you should pass the test, right? In a perfect world, yes. Unfortunately, we are not in a perfect world.

I feel misunderstood very often. As I was praying, I was wondering if this was my cross to bear in life. I felt discouraged and sad. Later, Luke and I started talking about bearing crosses. He mentioned that he thought mine was dealing with injustice, which IS a huge struggle for me. I said "Great, I have more than one cross." Then, I explained what I thought it was. He made a comment that being misunderstood is an injustice. You want people to see your heart, you try to communicate your feelings and instead people might take things in a way they were not intended. Instead of looking at your heart and WHO you are, they come to their own conclusion  That's most definitely not fair and is an injustice.

So, I've been struggling to even pray for myself or even read the Bible.....I felt like---what's the point? I don't want to argue why I'm 'worthy' of being loved. So, I spent most of my time praying for others and their needs.

Well-it's 4:30am and I cannot sleep because Luke is snoring. I decided to read the Bible and opened my Bible App on my phone. As it was loading, I closed my eyes and asked the Lord to guide me to a passage. Within seconds--'start at Isaiah.....54:7'
Ummmm-ok.....

⁷ “For a brief moment I abandoned you,
   but with deep compassion I will bring you back.
⁸ In a surge of anger
   I hid my face from you for a moment,
but with everlasting kindness
   I will have compassion on you,”
   says the LORD your Redeemer.

 ⁹ “To me this is like the days of Noah,
   when I swore that the waters of Noah would never again cover the earth.
So now I have sworn not to be angry with you,
   never to rebuke you again.
¹⁰ Though the mountains be shaken
   and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
   nor my covenant of peace be removed,”
   says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

 ¹¹ “Afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted,
   I will rebuild you with stones of turquoise,^[a]
   your foundations with lapis lazuli.
¹² I will make your battlements of rubies,
   your gates of sparkling jewels,
   and all your walls of precious stones.
¹³ All your children will be taught by the LORD,
   and great will be their peace.
¹⁴ In righteousness you will be established:
Tyranny will be far from you;
   you will have nothing to fear.
Terror will be far removed;
   it will not come near you.
¹⁵ If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing;
   whoever attacks you will surrender to you.

 ¹⁶ “See, it is I who created the blacksmith
   who fans the coals into flame
   and forges a weapon fit for its work.
And it is I who have created the destroyer to wreak havoc;
 ¹⁷ no weapon forged against you will prevail,
   and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.
This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD,
   and this is their vindication from me,”
            declares the LORD.

This isn't the first time, and I'm sure it's not the last time, that the Lord has 'spoken' to me. He has faithfully revealed Himself to me over and over again.......yet, I doubt His love for me. Talk about an injustice.

Through all that, He STILL loves me.