Questions and Answers

Lately, I've been having one of those seasons, which seem to happen often, where everything seems to be chaos. I'm trying to balance a bunch of things in one hand, juggle a bunch of things in the other hand, while driving a car, as I put out fires, while still sorting through the aftermath of a bomb that went of awhile ago. It's at this point, I'm convinced the Lord thinks I'm way stronger than I am....or He's just simply forgotten about me....or thinks, "She's doing just fine." All the while, I'm a mess and thinking "Ummm, hello? Remember me? What in the world is going on here? Can I get a little help. Perhaps a break?" I mean, craziness all around. How is this possibly be some sort of a plan? Planning does not equal chaos. My plan would not have included chaos and would have been better, right?

Let's go back a bit.

One morning before taking the kids to school, I stopped at Starbucks. I pulled into a spot and Lucas got out of the car to go inside and get a frappuccino for me. As Michael, Emily and I sat waiting, a Cadillac Escalade pulled in and parked two spots away from me. Well, let me tell you, this guy had the nerve to park his big fancy vehicle over the line, so no one could park between his vehicle and mine. He got out of his vehicle and in my head I was thinking, "Well, look at this jag. Thinks he's some big business man hot shot, not wanting anyone to be close to his precious vehicle."

Then, out comes Lucas with my frappuccino. I thank him, he buckles up and we begin to pull out of the spot to leave. As I was backing up, I was mortified and embarrassed. I was the one who parked all jacked up!!! How did I not catch that? I am all OCD (no seriously) about being in a spot correctly. I am one of those people who will back in and pull forward to make sure I'm in the lines. Instantly, I sensed the Lord saying, "See. You don't always see things clearly when you're in the situation."

Oops.

That happened three years ago and I have not forgotten it. Now, that doesn't mean I no longer question God. I still present my plan and compare it to His. Many times, I still believe my way is better than His. However, when I'm in the middle of something, and I feel like things are out of control, and I start judging other people and God, eventually, I come back to the Cadillac Escalade and remember that I don't always see things clearly when I'm in the situation.

I still think my ways are better...humanly speaking......but I KNOW the truth is......His ways are better. Whether I can see it or not.

Now What?

So, I have these dreams. Very vivid dreams. So vivid, it's like I'm really living it. I'm really emotionally involved and when I wake up, it feels as though I haven't even slept. I've had them for as long as I can remember. I know it was before I was 10 years old. When I was younger, I would have them so often, I would plead and beg God to stop them from happening. For awhile, I wouldn't say they actually stopped, just affected me a little less. However, the past 13 years or so, they've been more frequent, vivid, disturbing, exhausting and many are reoccurring.

I can only remember one that actually happened the way it had in my dream. There are times that I have bad/good dreams that don't 'come true.' Most of the time, I can tell which ones are warnings of some sort. I have this feeling that I cannot describe.

There are a few frustrations I have with such dreams.

When these happen, I don't actually rest while I sleep. It is though the dream has actually happened, like I lived it. Not only do I feel the emotional feelings in the dream, I feel them when I wake up, just as strong. It's exhausting.

Why do I have these dreams if I can't give an exact translation? What's the point? I mean, maybe I could do something if I had a modern day Joseph to translate for me....but I don't.

Not familiar with Joseph? Click on Read More at the bottom of this post.

I will say, through a lot of prayer and replaying the dreams in my head, I can get a basic idea of what's going to happen. Which brings me to another frustration....

Now what? So, even if I have a basic translation---or even an exact translation, what the heck am I supposed to do with it. I mean, if I came to you and said, "Look, I've had this dream about you and this is what I gathered from it." What would you do/say? I mean, really? I would probably look at someone like....ok freak. Who is going to listen to ME? How will what I say prevent something from happening? Are you going to change something you're doing or not doing because I said I had a dream?

So, if I have these 'warning' dreams and no one is going to pay attention or DO anything about it, why must I be the one to suffer? Why do I have to go through feeling emotionally sick? Where is the purpose in that?

I mean, no offense, but I have enough of my own emotional baggage to sort out, why take on someone else's?

I would have no problem adding other people's issues to me, if there was a way it would help. But, it doesn't.

A 'Good' Christian?

I am not a 'good' Christian.

I do not think I'm better than everyone else because I'm a Christian. I'm better than everyone else for other reasons. ;) Kidding.....or am I?

Since my neighbor passed, my brain is trying to 'get used' to the idea of her not being here. I won't see her as we're coming home or leaving. I won't be seeing her while getting the mail. I won't see her out in the yard. Just gone.

I am very thankful for my faith. I know that I don't have to be a 'good' Christian to go to Heaven because

Romans 3:23
²³ for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God


Neither I, nor anyone else will be in Heaven because of what WE did.

John 3:16
¹⁶ For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Jesus died for us. For OUR sins. Not His.

While I don't completely understand it, and I will confess that I cannot even fathom having one of my children (and them agreeing with it) DIE for something someone else did, the fact is He did. He loves us so much we cannot even comprehend it.

The thought of Jesus dying for MY sins is both angering to me and makes me feel loved. I question the Lord on MANY things....but guess what? He still loves me and still died for me. When I yell, kick, scream and sometimes even swear while 'talking' to Him (doesn't sound like a 'good' Christian to me), He still loves me and still died for me.
Well, that's another post for a different day.

Either way, I'm thankful that even though I'm not a 'good' Christian, the last time I saw my neighbor, wasn't the last time I will see her.

PS-I'm not proud of all the 'bad' things I do as a Christian, I just want to be honest about myself. :)