Vindication

Psalm 135:14

¹⁴ For the LORD will vindicate his people and have compassion on his servants.    

You know when you say something to a dog, and they tilt their head and look at you like, "What?" That's how I've been feeling lately with a certain situation.

How do you handle conversations that go something like this....

Me-"The sky is a very pretty blue today."

Other-"I'm so offended that you would say the sky is yellow!"

Me-"Um...I said the sky was a pretty blue?"

Other-"You specifically said, the sky is yellow!"

Now, while the actual conversation(s) did not happen like that, most of the conversations (as of late) with this person are just as misunderstood. I can see how someone might interpret things differently, I don't understand how something that is so simple can be misinterpreted. I know that sometimes we might think we said something, but instead maybe a different word came out.....but if it's written down in texts and emails....it's literally in black and white.

The frustrating thing is, I obviously want to defend myself and say...."Look! It says right here....'The sky is a very pretty blue today.' Where are you getting that I said it was yellow?" Then, they move onto something totally different, only to go back to the same comment a few days later. It's a continuous cycle. At some point, you just have to ignore it and move on. Obviously, nothing I say will convince this person otherwise. That is a terrible feeling. To plainly state something, and have someone, not even twist it around...but completely change it. Then, they tell others that you said something you didn't actually say. It's maddening. 

Now, I could go around and show everyone and their mother the texts to prove my case.....but what's the point? Then, it will turn into something WAY bigger than it already is.

Plus, there's the whole listening to God thing. I know I HAVE to do that. I know it's the ONLY way. I've been shown that time and time again. It is not easy though. My flesh wants to yell, kick and scream....it's not fair! 

Don't get me started on having someone question whether what I'm doing is honoring to God or Biblical, especially when they have watched firsthand, over and over again, as I do things I don't want to do, but I know God wants me to do. Talk about a smack in the face.

I digress.

PS-While similar situations with Luke may have happened in the past....I'm happy to report this is not about him. I am thankful with how incredibly encouraging he has been and it has been awesome to see him grow in his relationship with the Lord. :)

Isaiah 54:17

¹⁷ no weapon forged against you will prevail,
   and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.
This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD,
   and this is their vindication from me,”
            declares the LORD.

So Close--Yet--So Far

Well, today it has been two years since the accidents.

For those not familiar-- Accident.

At times, it feels like just yesterday, and other times-it seems so long ago.

I think the feelings of yesterday usually come when I hear the sound of emergency vehicles, see the Flight For Life helicopter or even just look at the kids. Sometimes, I become sad and want to cry that they had to go through all of that. I picture what it must have looked like to them and feel guilty that I wasn't in the vehicles.

The feelings of it being so long ago? I think that's because it feels like a different life, like each one of us is so different today....it's hard to believe it's only been two years. We aren't the same people, which is a blessing. We are so thankful the Lord kept us all together, here on earth. Grateful, because we know the outcome could have been different, the injuries-much worse.

I really think it's a miracle that the kids have no issues driving in a vehicle. They're not on edge or panicky, even with Luke driving. They don't have feelings of anger or resentment and see it as more of a positive thing for our family.....that's pretty amazing. I remember that soon after the accidents, I'm talking only days, Lucas (only 10 at the time) mentioned he thought, "God just wanted our family to slow down because we were going to fast, doing too much."

I also remember a conversation with my brother. I was telling him all the things I was going to do and had to do once everyone was released. At that moment, it hit me.....I realized I didn't have a vehicle to do any of it with. He looked at me and said something like.....God's been taking care of you and he'll keep taking care of you. If you know my bro....that might surprise you. ;) That meant a lot to me....so, Tony if I never told you that....there it is. :) Love you!

Guess what, God did provide. Someone gave us a vehicle! It lasted an entire year. After it broke down, there was a month where we did not own a vehicle. Friends and family came through and would let us use theirs. After a month, it was Luke who went out and negotiated a price on our current vehicle. Yes, I said LUKE! That, is a miracle. :)

While our medical bills still aren't settled and can cause stress, it doesn't compare to the huge blessings we received that day and in the days following.

We are so thankful!
Thankful to the Lord for all of our blessings and to the many people who helped us by cooking meals, organizing a fundraiser, donating money, driving the kids and Luke places when I couldn't be two places at once, listening to my rants venting, praying for us and anything else that may have slipped my mind.

We love you all!

Moving Past Feelings

So, yesterday I had a post titled Nonsense where I 'went off' about my money frustrations.

I have really been having a rough time with the Lord. There are times where I really believe he does not love me and really dislikes me. As bad things happen in my life, daily, I feel that more and more.

How fitting that yesterday, I would receive an email from Joyce Meyer Ministries for her new book Living Beyond Your Feelings. Seems fitting, right? I can get the book with a donation of any amount. I casually thought about it and put it in the back of my head.

Today, the morning did NOT start off well leading me to once again, feel disliked by the Lord.

I DVR Joyce Meyer every day. When Luke left and all through the accident ordeal, I listened/watched to Joyce at least once a day....sometimes more than that. As of late, I have not been watching and I also have not been reading my Bible as much....church? Yeah....haven't been in a few weeks.

I'm not saying bad things are happening because of this, but it definitely affects my attitude.

Today, Emily was watching a show and I had two things that were going to be DVR'd at the same time, which meant, I had to change the channel or cancel a show. I tried to cancel Joyce. Wouldn't work. Channel flipped. Thank God it did. I REALLY needed the message.

Go deeper with God.
Be honest with Him.
If you hate what he wants you to do, are tired of the way you're being treated, sick of your circumstances and worn out, tell him, then, do it anyway.
Even if you've done it over and over again, listen to Him.

Luke 5
4 When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, “Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch.”

5 Simon answered, “Master, we’ve worked hard all night and haven’t caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets.”

6 When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break. 7 So they signaled their partners in the other boat to come and help them, and they came and filled both boats so full that they began to sink.

Now, I need his help to go forward.

Psalm 38

⁸I am faint and sorely bruised [deadly cold and quite worn out]; I groan by reason of the disquiet and moaning of my heart.
    ⁹Lord, all my desire is before You; and my sighing is not hidden from You.
    ¹⁰My heart throbs, my strength fails me; as for the light of my eyes, it also is gone from me.
    ¹¹My lovers and my friends stand aloof from my plague; and my neighbors and my near ones stand afar off.
    ¹²They also that seek and demand my life lay snares for me, and they that seek and require my hurt speak crafty and mischievous things; they meditate treachery and deceit all the day long.
    ¹³But I, like a deaf man, hear not; and I am like a dumb man who opens not his mouth.
    ¹⁴Yes, I have become like a man who hears not, in whose mouth are no arguments or replies.
    ¹⁵For in You, O Lord, do I hope; You will answer, O Lord my God.
    ¹⁶For I pray, Let them not rejoice over me, who when my foot slips boast against me.
    ¹⁷For I am ready to halt and fall; my pain and sorrow are continually before me.
    ¹⁸For I do confess my guilt and iniquity; I am filled with sorrow for my sin.
    ¹⁹But my enemies are vigorous and strong, and those who hate me wrongfully are multiplied.
    ²⁰They also that render evil for good are adversaries to me, because I follow the thing that is good.
    ²¹Forsake me not, O Lord; O my God, be not far from me.
    ²²Make haste to help me, O Lord, my Salvation.

Nonsense

I am not strong. I have no idea why people tell me I am. Is it because when I am punched over and over again, I continue to get up? I would say that's more of a stubborn thing. Like, "Oh, you think you're going to keep me down? Guess again!"

I am currently in a season where I am not really 'feeling it' from the Lord.

Wait-I just want to pause and say: Please don't panic and call/text/email/message or whatever and try to make me feel better. I don't mean to sound snotty or ungrateful, I just don't want to 'talk' about anything. If anything, just pray. I know the truth deep down....just not 'feeling' the truth.

It's just one thing after another, after another, after another........

It gets old.

One struggle I REALLY don't like to talk about---money.

I think there are a bunch of different reasons for this.

One reason-I was raised in an environment where you don't discuss your finances with others. You just don't.

Another-it's embarrassing to have people know you're barely making it. It's not like we're big spenders.. We live in a condo (don't get me wrong, it's a nice three bedroom townhouse style condo with four floors including a finished basement) with a tiny yard. We drive older vehicles that we paid cash for. We don't pay tuition this year as someone very generously gifted our children with that.

We come up with plans to pay off debt and things start out well, then...BAM....here come the ridiculous expenses putting us in worse shape than before.

I would say the biggest reason I avoid talking about our financial situation is that I don't want people to feel sorry for us or feel like they have to spring into action. I know we're not the only one with money issues. I know that our money issues aren't that serious compared to people who have no home, no family, poor health and so on.

Part of the reason I started this blog was to let others know 'who' I am--my struggles, my thoughts and my feelings. I feel like as I go through struggles, a lot of people will say how strong I am, or how I'm a good example....and other nice things.....I tend to look at them and tell them they are crazy. I wanted to be real and show people.....it's a struggle.....

It's just so frustrating when you are really trying hard to be responsible and make good financial decisions, yet new things continue to come along and smack you upside the head.

I mean....for the love....I can't refinance my home for a lower rate---why? Because I have medical bills from the accidents that the insurance company STILL hasn't paid.....we're going on two years! You see, because those bills haven't been paid, my mortgage company said we are too much of a risk to refinance. Really? Even though I have NEVER EVER been late on my mortgage in NINE years?! I was actually told that I would have a better chance if I missed payments. What the heck kind of a joke is that?!

We still owe an obscene amount of money for Luke's school loan, each time I try to pay it down, out of nowhere comes an expense. I'm convinced we will never pay the loan off.

It's not like we buy ridiculous things and waste our money, plus we do tithe and I would love to give away more money....if I had it.

I could go on and on and tell you different things---from just this week---that have happened.

Doesn't. Make. Sense.