Sunday, February 27, 2011

Tears of a Clown

Tonight-for the first time in 13 years, through tears, I told Luke, "I'm open to moving."

I don't mean just another city, but another state.

He was not happy to see the tears, but was very glad to hear the words.

Where do I even start......as I write now.....it's through tears and sadness.

Luke has wanted to move for as long as I can remember. I have not. Family was always my reason.

Growing up my family was everything to me. I was raised that way. "Blood is thicker than water" is what my mom used to say. At the age of 31, I now realize that while blood is technically thicker than water....it leaves behind stains. Painful, stains.

It's interesting how I look back now and see how the Lord has been preparing me for this, but it still doesn't make it any easier.

I had a vision growing up.....my family (including the extended) would always live close together and be very involved in one another's lives. While some of us live close together, the involvement in one another's lives is not what I envisioned. :(

When you have a certain view of family and then you begin to see things more clearly, it hurts. You want to view your family as supportive, accepting, loving, kind, helpful and protective of you. Unfortunately, that's not always true. Sometimes, it's because people are selfish, sometimes they just don't realize they're doing it and sometimes, they justify their actions with a bunch of excuses. No matter the reason, it hurts the same.

I'm a protective kind of person. If someone in my family, or a close friend is being 'wronged' or hurt, I come to their defense. I don't know how to explain it, it's like something rises up in me and I 'fight' for them. I thought that's how we all were supposed to be. Sadly, it hasn't really ever worked the other way. For years I have held onto hope that someday it would change. Today, I've realized, holding onto that hope, has actually held me and my family back.

It's kind of sad that it took this long to accept that reality.

While the reality has been accepted, it still hasn't stopped the tears.

I don't know what this all means....but I do know that the Lord will let me know when the time is right.
Whether it's moving in a year, two or maybe not at all.....just getting to the point of REALLY giving it ALL to Him.

"The safest place in the world is to be in the center of God's will."

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

I'm So Excited and I Just Can't Hide It!

Well-I think I'm over having to drive on my Birthday.....I believe a little time and an upcoming trip to Florida, are what helped me :)

My cousin, who lives in Florida, is getting married.....in Florida. Now, since she is like a sister (well-at least we fight like it), my "blood" sister (blood mingling and all---sounds a little Angelina Jolie-ish--weird) and other cousins will be coming along, I REALLY wanted to go.....plus....IT'S FLORIDA and it's still winter here.

There were a couple of obstacles though....Luke has to work, so where would the kids go and it is expensive to fly to Florida. So, being the problem solver I am, I thought---MY BIRTHDAY! I decided to present an idea to my parents and in-laws. Instead of buying me a gift for my birthday, how about money towards the ticket, then maybe I might be able to afford it. So, emails went out. Then, since my mom refuses to fly, I figured she wasn't going and maybe she would/could watch the kids while Luke was at work.

I knew they were kind of big things to ask, but I gave it a try. Once I was able to get my mom on the phone, she informed me she couldn't because she was going to a wedding. I was surprised she was going.....and then she informed me she was kidding. :) Wonder where I get it from. She not only agreed to watch the kids, but is PAYING for my ticket! You see, my cousin is her Goddaughter and since she is unable to go, she is sending me in her place! YAY!!!!!!

Then, my mother-in-law emailed me back and also agreed to give me money towards the trip and now I have the hotel paid for!!!!

I kind of wanted to book at the same time with another family member, so we could fly together. It just didn't work out, and so I booked my own ticket separately. However, upon speaking to another cousin, I found out I am on the flight with her and her husband. YAY!!!!!

I am so thankful to my family for making this all possible and I can't wait to see my cousin get married!!!!

Congratulations Laura Maria Mamma Mia Shuh-Sha Shia Ta Ta Tia Garbage Can!!!!
I heart you!

Well-it's a little after 4am and I've been awake since 2am....I should probably go back to sleep before I have to get up in two hours :)

Monday, February 21, 2011

Giving Up or Letting Go?

I REALLY care about people. I would love for everyone to make wise decisions and be happy or just learn from their mistakes (or mine) the first, or even second time around. It's so painful for me to see people do destructive things to themselves and to others.

Sometimes, in my mind, I start to take an attitude of, well, you're just stupid and you deserve it, you idiot. Obviously, I know this is not healthy or helpful.....I have gotten better with that attitude over the years. I do still do it, and occasionally may say something along those lines to someone, but I soon realize it's not okay and I end up apologizing.

I have a really hard time letting go of other people's problems.....I think it's because I view it as giving up on them. I don't want to give up on them, nor do I want them to feel like I've given up on them. I want to be helpful, supportive and encouraging.

Unfortunately, most people only learn by making mistakes over and over. Sometimes, it takes coming to the end of themselves, being/feeling lonely and/or hitting a rock bottom, to truly change or even want to change. I'm just not a fan of that route. I mean-I don't even like movies that are sad. Some people say-well, movies that end happy aren't realistic. Guess what-I watch movies because I want to escape reality. I don't want to pay money to cry and be sad, and I sure as heck don't want to watch it happening to real people.

I've found that throughout my life I've had to let go of other people's problems, over and over again. Which, honestly makes me a little afraid. What on earth will I do when it's my children that I'll have to let go of. I'm going through this little by little now. I have a preschooler, an elementary student and a middle-schooler, what a difference, from holding Emily's hand with most things (although she's pretty independent and stubborn), to guiding Michael along the right track with a bit of freedom to goof up, to Lucas beginning to find his way on his own (as on his own as he can be) most of the time. It's so hard to see them fail at things though-especially when I could help them. But, if they don't fail now....what does that look like when they're adults? I'm sure they'd get a big smack upside the head and might not know what to do with themselves, not know how to problem solve and could become discouraged quickly. I guess at least now, I can teach them how to get back up and learn from their failures. It's still hard though.....I would love to protect them from everything.

I don't typically follow Dr. Oz....but I did catch him on The View one day. He said, "Every time you give your children something they DIDN'T have, you take away something you DID have." So true, but so hard. I suppose you could use that same quote and replace children with friends.

Well-this post turned a bit from my original thoughts :)

I guess if I don't view it as giving up on my children, why would I view it as giving up on my friends? However, it doesn't change the fact that letting go is hard, for both friends and family.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

GROW UP!

I have just about had it with the ridiculousness of this whole political situation.

I am tired of seeing everyone post about it. I'm tired of people acting as though their opinion is right and better than everyone else's, the name calling, the threats AND the elected officials RUNNING away from the problem.

You know what? If the shoe was on the other foot, and the Republicans would be acting like this, you can be damn sure the Democrats would be throwing an absolute hissy fit and the behavior would be unacceptable and not tolerated.

Guess what-the MAJORITY of Wisconsin voted for change and Scott Walker, just like the MAJORITY voted for change and Obama. You don't see Republicans running away-do you? For crying out loud, Democrats were throwing a fit when Republicans didn't stand and clap at the State of the Union.

I am SO disgusted with our country and this childish behavior. It's not going to be terrorists that destroy our country, but the childish, selfish, greedy, and self-righteous assholes that live here. People around the world are enjoying watching America kill itself-we have no one to blame but ourselves.

Don't get me started on the Doctors who are writing excuses. Sickening. Again-if this were the Republicans this would be unacceptable.

GROW THE F UP or watch as we self-destruct.


From my brother----


I am a union employee, but it sickens me to see what is going on. Between the doctors, the workers not showing up for work, and the democrats fleeing the state! Childish!!! never would I get away with that.....I value my job too much! It gives us a bad name in my opinion. With that, I will go back into my hole and keep my thoughts to myself.
P.s. I don't agree with everything Mr. Walker is doing, but I definitely don't agree with what the other side is doing!

Friday, February 18, 2011

It's My Birthday and I'll Cry if I Want To....

What 31-year old do you know, cries because she found out she'll be spending her birthday in a minivan, for five hours, with three children? Yeah....that would be me......

I know-sounds a bit ridiculous.

For as long as I can remember, my birthday has always been a day I've been happy or excited about. I'm not really sure of the reason, I usually don't even remember how old I'll be. Maybe, it's because it's the one day that I can really do whatever I feel like (well almost) and not feel guilty or have anyone judge. It could also be that it's because it was the day I was born, and hello, who doesn't want to celebrate the fact that I was born? :)

It's not like I need some big party or to have everyone and their mother call me, but it is nice to be thought of, remembered and given a break.

I'm sure in a little over a month, when the day is here, I'll be thankful to be with my family, even if it is in a minivan for five hours. Right now though, I'm really bummed. :(

Thursday, February 17, 2011

One Month-Averisary

Today has been one month since I wrote my first post....well, my second first post. I'm still kind of baffled and can't believe that people actually read this. I just don't get it. I don't feel like I have anything exciting or interesting to say....so what's the draw?

When I mention the blog to anyone, I just laugh because it's so strange to me and seems kind of surreal.

Blogger lets me know certain stats regarding the blog. In this past month there have been 907 views. Really? What's even more interesting than that, is that people in Canada have been checking in and now, I see Russia has been added to the list! Other countries? Really? I mean, I'm not complaining....but it's so funny to me.

My only issue with the blog is that I don't get to hear about other people. I love hearing about how people are, what they're up to and what's going on in their lives.

So, obviously there are people reading this who I don't know, unless you've moved to Russia or Canada and have not told me, as well as friends and family, I'd really like to know---why are you reading? Feel free to also let me know what's going on with you and how you are.

I understand sometimes people don't want to comment on a post, but feel free to send me an email.

Thanks for reading! :)

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Another Day Another Dawn

So, yesterday was a bit of a rough day. A lot of emotions were felt and a good cry was had. On days like those, I try to focus on the fact that it WILL get better. It always does.

Well, it's today and it IS better. I'm thankful for that. I do feel encouraged, loved and accepted. I like those feelings much better than the ones I was feeling yesterday. Sometimes, you just never know who or what it is that will give you the hope you need, or say what you didn't even know you needed to hear. I appreciate all of my friends and family who prayed and encouraged me. You never know if you'll be the one God will use to bring someone up when they just aren't feeling it.

Thanks for reaching out and loving me......
:)

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Not Feeling It

You know....normally I'm pretty thankful for what I have and where I'm at. Even with all the crap that has gone on in my life and in the life of my family, I usually can find the good that has come of it and focus on that. However, every once and awhile I have a bad day. Today is that day.

Now-Tony-before you start freaking out and calling me-I'm fine ;) It's just a rough day.

Usually, something will happen that will trigger me and take me back.

Past things will replay in my head....I get irritated about things that have happened and frustrated that those things will always be there. I'm annoyed that there ARE triggers and that there will most likely always be triggers of some sort.

That's when the "old" me sort of creeps in for a bit. I don't want to see anyone, talk to anyone or blog. I just want to be left alone....which I know is not good and I can't clam up.

Overall I have been pretty blessed with the speed in which I have been able to move on from things and I'm sure tomorrow I'll be fine....but today I'm not feeling it. Bleh.....

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Past Hurt-What's the Point?

A friend of mine has made a decision that is going to affect the rest of her life.

Sometimes I wonder....why go through all I've been through if it's not going to help someone else? I don't want others to suffer as I suffered and as I caused others to suffer. It breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes. So many times we think our decisions are only affecting us and it's NOT true.

I have been through so much garbage in my life.
Some has been a direct result of my actions and some through no fault of my own.
I've made some poor decisions and I've made some wise decisions.

In my 31 years I've felt-
Happiness
Sadness
Hurt
Anger
Joy
Frustration
Peace
Depression
Bitterness
Unforgiveness
Selfishness
Panic Attacks
Guilt
Love

I've seen poor choices affect me and those I love.
I've put up walls. I've had them torn down.
I've put many things before the Lord and been stripped of 'things.'



  • For as long as I can remember I've had a issue with death-been afraid loved ones would die and afraid of death itself. Get panicky if someone was a couple minutes late...obviously (in my head) it was because they had died.
  • In high-school had three kids in my class die in a tragic accident on the way to school-in the snow.
  • Left home at the age of 18-with the clothes on my back.
  • Worked three jobs to support myself.
  • Luke is a recovering alcoholic.
  • Luke and I lived together before we were married.
  • We had Lucas before we were married-I stopped taking my pill for two weeks to get pregnant to help Luke (yes-I know) and give him hope.....came to my 'senses' started back on the pill, only to find out I was pregnant....that's a whole different post.
  • Lucas was born three months early at 2lbs 10oz and we didn't know if he would survive.
  • Michael was in the hospital for days when he was four months old with Pneumonia.
  • I became in tune with my feelings of depression/OCD/social anxiety and currently take meds for it.
  • My brother-in-law died suddenly of a cocaine overdose at the age of 28 years old.
  • Emily tore her nose open in two spots, as well as her cheek and had multiple stitches at the age of one.
  • Luke had a manic episode and left me to be a single mom to our kids. I had to trust the Lord minute by minute to not only provide for us but to be able to take care of our kids in the midst of my pain (and theirs) without balling in front of them.
  • Had to choose to listen to the Lord when my flesh and so many others were telling me to do other things.
  • Had my husband return home a 'new' person.
  • Almost lost my entire family in not one, but two accidents in one day.
  • Had both of our vehicles totalled-in one day with NO money to purchase even one replacement.
  • Had a friend commit suicide.
  • Live 'pay-check to pay-check'
I know there is more.....but....you get the point. I think I have a little something to offer.

So-what's the point?

I'll let you know if I have a revelation.

ETA:

No revelations yet-but I did want to say I have had plenty wonderful things happen in my life in addition to the garbage. Maybe another post, another time. :)


Friday, February 4, 2011

Over or Under?

Luke "encouraged" me to do a blog about something pointless......he suggested an 18-hour bra vs. a 24-hour bra.....surprise surprise.

However, I did decide to take his advice upon seeing the roll of toilet paper the "wrong" way.

Over or under.....THAT is the question

Obviously, the correct answer is, OVER. Anyone who says otherwise is either a male, ridiculous or both.....or is saying a ridiculous male redundant? ;)

I took the poll to the most reliable source.....Facebook.

11 out of 14 people said over. Two of the overs were actually males! Way to go guys! You're either smart or very well trained :)

The three unders were.....two males and one (ridiculous) female who shall remain nameless....Told you so.....

Majority rules......sorry under dogs. :)

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Who's First?

I'm walking through something with a friend. We'll call her Sue....because I don't think I know a Sue. :) Sue is focused on putting her relationship with the Lord first. However, to do that she has to make a lot of difficult decisions. The decisions are one thing, but the excuses that can creep into our mind or that others might feed us, can sometimes make those decisions even more difficult, and giving up so easy.

From a young age I have felt drawn to the Lord. I didn't really know what to do with that so, I would just pray and go to church. Throughout the years I have come to understand what it means (not completely) and my relationship with Him is stronger than it's ever been. Unfortunately, it took walking through some rough things to get there.

Luke and I have been married for twelve years. There are so many stories from those years (and the year before we were married) that I could tell. We have had many rough patches along the way. Marriage is not easy.

Luke and I are both Christians which is great.....there was a problem though......the foundation of our marriage was not the Lord, He may have had a block or two, but that's it. I think it's safe to say that our separate relationships with Him were also not where the needed to be.

I desperately wanted that to change. For years, I would pray that the Lord would become the foundation of our marriage and I longed to grow closer to the Lord as well. The Lord would soon answer that prayer, but NOT in the way I would have chosen.

A few years ago, things began to really get rough. We had unresolved issues and we were about to learn what exactly bi-polar meant.....that's another post.

The months leading up to Luke leaving were extremely rough and confusing. The Lord was asking me to do things that made NO sense. I knew though from the past, I had to listen. I had seen the results of not following Him as well as the results of choosing to follow Him. The latter was more difficult, but the end result was much better.

Once Luke was actually out of the house, the Lord continued to ask me to do "ridiculous" things. I would often question Him and what He was doing. It just didn't make sense in my human mind....plus I had a whole bunch of people looking at me cross-eyed and giving their opinions on what I should/shouldn't do. Deep down though, I trusted Him. He loved my family more than I ever could and He wanted what was best for us all....whatever that was. I had to focus on that truth when the doubt would creep in.

One day, while I was folding laundry I asked the Lord a question, "Lord, I know I prayed for you to be the foundation, but did you have to tear the whole house down?"  I had asked this particular question many times, but this time, He answered me....and it was along these lines "Yes, because I was never the foundation to begin with. It was necessary to tear down everything, even the foundation, and rebuild." Ouch......True. The answer brought peace.

It was encouraging to know that I was on the right track and following the One and Only. He was there to guide me/our family and protect us. 

That wasn't the end of my questions, my sadness, my pain and confusion......but for that moment I had what I needed.


Someone asked a question on a website....How can you honor God's word.....I thought the answer someone provided was great....

We honor God's Word first by reverencing it, for it is God's words to us as inspired by the Holy Spirit. But it is not enough just to reverence it, we must believe it to the extent that we live a lifestyle based on it as a foundation of our lives. Many people believe there is a God, but don't want to be bothered with living how God wants them to. They want to do their own thing and not be told what to do. Jesus said, "If you love me you will keep my commandments". We can talk about how much we love God but it doesn't mean anything until we obey him. That is true reverence of God's Word.

Proverbs 15

31The ear that listens to the reproof [that leads to or gives] life will remain among the wise.
    32He who refuses and ignores instruction and correction despises himself, but he who heeds reproof gets understanding.
    33The reverent and worshipful fear of the Lord brings instruction in Wisdom, and humility comes before honor.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

SNOW DAY!

Yay for snow days! The whole family is home, the snow looks awesome and the sun is shining! I just love it!

I'm a little excited....can you tell?

Last night was a little scary though. The wind was wicked and it kept waking me up. At about 2am I went to look out the window in Emily's room. Between the snow drift completely covering the bottom part of the window and the huge icicles hanging from the roof, I couldn't see. Plus, I'm short and that certainly didn't help.

As I type now, it reminds me of a particular storm in my life. I remember I felt as though I was in a fog, I couldn't really see anything and when I could see something it was a crazy storm wreaking all sorts of havoc around me. Last night I was so thankful to have a warm home to protect me as the storm raged on around me, and I'm so thankful that I have Jesus to protect me when life's storms do the same!

Disaster will swirl around us....but we can take refuge in Him. :)

Last night the storm was a little scary and really crazy.
Today, we see the result of the storm.
Beautiful snow and the sun shining down.
Oh, and we can't forget-SNOW DAY!

Psalm 27:1 & 5
1THE LORD is my Light and my Salvation--whom shall I fear or dread? The Lord is the Refuge and Stronghold of my life--of whom shall I be afraid?
 5For in the day of trouble He will hide me in His shelter; in the secret place of His tent will He hide me; He will set me high upon a rock.


Psalm 51:1
 1 Have mercy on me, my God, have mercy on me,
   for in you I take refuge.
I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings
   until the disaster has passed.