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Tonight-for the first time in 13 years, through tears, I told Luke, "I'm open to moving."
I don't mean just another city, but another state.
He was not happy to see the tears, but was very glad to hear the words.
Where do I even start......as I write now.....it's through tears and sadness.
Luke has wanted to move for as long as I can remember. I have not. Family was always my reason.
Growing up my family was everything to me. I was raised that way. "Blood is thicker than water" is what my mom used to say. At the age of 31, I now realize that while blood is technically thicker than water....it leaves behind stains. Painful, stains.
It's interesting how I look back now and see how the Lord has been preparing me for this, but it still doesn't make it any easier.
I had a vision growing up.....my family (including the extended) would always live close together and be very involved in one another's lives. While some of us live close together, the involvement in one another's lives is not what I envisioned. :(
When you have a certain view of family and then you begin to see things more clearly, it hurts. You want to view your family as supportive, accepting, loving, kind, helpful and protective of you. Unfortunately, that's not always true. Sometimes, it's because people are selfish, sometimes they just don't realize they're doing it and sometimes, they justify their actions with a bunch of excuses. No matter the reason, it hurts the same.
I'm a protective kind of person. If someone in my family, or a close friend is being 'wronged' or hurt, I come to their defense. I don't know how to explain it, it's like something rises up in me and I 'fight' for them. I thought that's how we all were supposed to be. Sadly, it hasn't really ever worked the other way. For years I have held onto hope that someday it would change. Today, I've realized, holding onto that hope, has actually held me and my family back.
It's kind of sad that it took this long to accept that reality.
While the reality has been accepted, it still hasn't stopped the tears.
I don't know what this all means....but I do know that the Lord will let me know when the time is right.
Whether it's moving in a year, two or maybe not at all.....just getting to the point of REALLY giving it ALL to Him.
"The safest place in the world is to be in the center of God's will."
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2 comments:
I feel you on this one. When you have kids of your own, it's your marriage and your kids that take the most important place. Oh, it will be exciting to see where God takes you.
I felt sad and happy at the same time while reading this one hon...but the Lord has a plan for the Carraos..."For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 I just hope those plans don't take you too far away, but if they do I'm putting in a request that it be somewhere warm so we can visit:)ALSO, I want you to know that you sure are a true friend to me and I thank you so much for that! Chin up my friend...love and hugs to you!!!
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