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Sometimes I wonder....why go through all I've been through if it's not going to help someone else? I don't want others to suffer as I suffered and as I caused others to suffer. It breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes. So many times we think our decisions are only affecting us and it's NOT true.
I have been through so much garbage in my life.
Some has been a direct result of my actions and some through no fault of my own.
I've made some poor decisions and I've made some wise decisions.
In my 31 years I've felt-
Happiness
Sadness
Hurt
Anger
Joy
Frustration
Peace
Depression
Bitterness
Unforgiveness
Selfishness
Panic Attacks
Guilt
Love
I've seen poor choices affect me and those I love.
I've put up walls. I've had them torn down.
I've put many things before the Lord and been stripped of 'things.'
- For as long as I can remember I've had a issue with death-been afraid loved ones would die and afraid of death itself. Get panicky if someone was a couple minutes late...obviously (in my head) it was because they had died.
- In high-school had three kids in my class die in a tragic accident on the way to school-in the snow.
- Left home at the age of 18-with the clothes on my back.
- Worked three jobs to support myself.
- Luke is a recovering alcoholic.
- Luke and I lived together before we were married.
- We had Lucas before we were married-I stopped taking my pill for two weeks to get pregnant to help Luke (yes-I know) and give him hope.....came to my 'senses' started back on the pill, only to find out I was pregnant....that's a whole different post.
- Lucas was born three months early at 2lbs 10oz and we didn't know if he would survive.
- Michael was in the hospital for days when he was four months old with Pneumonia.
- I became in tune with my feelings of depression/OCD/social anxiety and currently take meds for it.
- My brother-in-law died suddenly of a cocaine overdose at the age of 28 years old.
- Emily tore her nose open in two spots, as well as her cheek and had multiple stitches at the age of one.
- Luke had a manic episode and left me to be a single mom to our kids. I had to trust the Lord minute by minute to not only provide for us but to be able to take care of our kids in the midst of my pain (and theirs) without balling in front of them.
- Had to choose to listen to the Lord when my flesh and so many others were telling me to do other things.
- Had my husband return home a 'new' person.
- Almost lost my entire family in not one, but two accidents in one day.
- Had both of our vehicles totalled-in one day with NO money to purchase even one replacement.
- Had a friend commit suicide.
- Live 'pay-check to pay-check'
I know there is more.....but....you get the point. I think I have a little something to offer.
So-what's the point?
I'll let you know if I have a revelation.
ETA:
No revelations yet-but I did want to say I have had plenty wonderful things happen in my life in addition to the garbage. Maybe another post, another time. :)
So-what's the point?
I'll let you know if I have a revelation.
ETA:
No revelations yet-but I did want to say I have had plenty wonderful things happen in my life in addition to the garbage. Maybe another post, another time. :)
3 comments:
Oh Annie! I could have written your blog just with different names. I have had the Lord use my hurts to help others and also to give me a maturity and compassion along with an appreciation for life that I would not have had otherwise.
He will use you too, Faithful Servant!
((Hugs))
I read this post yesterday and knew I wanted to respond but I wasn't sure what I wanted to say! I think there is always a point to our struggles. It is frustrating to watch someone you care about make a mistake but sometimes, that’s just the way it has to be! It sucks that we have to go through crappy stuff. It actually sucks a lot most of the time. But God never said that we would have amazingly perfect lives. We were made to be weak, or at least to be weaker than Him. His strength is made perfect through our weakness. God uses crappy situations to work on our relationships with Him or in some cases, to bring people to Him. Other times, He uses our crappy situations and struggles to help other people. I can pinpoint the two most crappy times that I struggled in my life and I can say that I know I had to go through those times because God used it to work on our relationship. So I guess I don’t have a great answer for why you’ve gone through as much as you have but I know God has a reason for it. I’m starting in a new ladies small group tonight called “The Blessings of Brokenness: Why God Allows Us to Go Through Hard Times.” I will let you know what kind of insight I get through that!! (You are more than welcome to join the small group, but it’s all the way in Grafton so I’m not sure if you’d be interested or not..let me know if you are. And by small group, I mean really small. I think there are 3 of us!!)
This too is one of my frustrations and sticking points!! We just wanna help people throught the same pitfalls, or even others we can see. Sometimes, they listen. Sometimes they just choose the wrong path. I hear you on this!! Completely!! Just keep praying and demonstrating the truth!
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