Saturday, December 24, 2011

Keeping it Real

Keeping it Real was the 'theme' of the Christmas Eve service today. Fitting.

As I mentioned in my last post, we are celebrating Christmas differently this year. I pray VERY often about the situation that we are currently in right now and as I was doing just that this morning, a 'new' revelation came into my heart. In the recent years, we had it ALL wrong.

Christmas is about our Savior coming to save us all. NOT Christmas presents. The focus should be on HIM. It wasn't. While giving gifts isn't necessarily a bad thing, it is when THAT becomes the focus of Christmas. I replayed how buying gifts and spending time with family became a stress for people. Would the kids fight, break something, be to loud? Walking on eggshells. No talk of Him. The Reason.

I thoroughly enjoy Christmas Eve service. One of my favorites. Last year.....we didn't even make it to church. Now, there was terrible weather and there was a lot of stress that day. However, we were going in that direction anyway and we knew the bad weather was coming and could have gotten ready sooner, but we didn't. Ouch.

I prayed and reflected on those memories and couldn't help but wonder if it was better for us to separate from the 'usual' so that our family could come back to the Lord. REALLY make Him our priority, just as we had prayed for.

Today, a normally hectic and crazy day, has been very relaxing and we've experienced way less stress. Elmbrook has many Christmas Eve services, so we started to get ready and decided to go to the 1:00 service, then afterwards, Emily (and now Michael the sleepwalker) could nap before heading to my parents for the evening. We were only a couple minutes late to church and even though there were quite a bit of people, we were able to sit in our 'normal' section, which was nice.

The message was about Christmas and Jesus. Normal for Christmas, right? However, our pastor asked if we were celebrating the Real thing this Christmas or the 'plastic' version. I immediately thought of my morning prayer time and realized, the past few years, our Christmas had become plastic. I was flooded with thankfulness. Thankful that the Lord had opened my eyes and revealed to me that we were on the wrong track. He also showed me through Pastor Philip, that we were still valued and God still 'wanted' us. So, instead of feeling guilty, I felt renewed and thankful.

Tomorrow morning, in addition to reading about Jesus' birth with our family, we will also talk about keeping God as our focus. That He is the Real Reason for Christmas and we are extremely blessed!

Merry Christmas, everyone! May you too celebrate the Real and not the 'plastic'.



Luke 2:9-14
An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified.  But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people.  Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord.  This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."  Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,  "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

A Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Christmas?

For the first time, I reluctantly watched the 'remake' of Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. I had no interest in seeing it because the first one still gives me the creeps....and the way Johnny Depp looks playing Willie Wonka....well, that certainly didn't help.

It took a bit to get into it because of Johnny Depp and I found myself having flashbacks of the old movie as I watched. However, when there was only about 20 minutes left, I had to put the kids to bed and found I was disappointed because I wanted to see the rest. Since it was playing on TV, I hit the record button. So, somewhere in there, it sucked me in. :)

Switch topics for a minute.

This Christmas has been different than that of years past. There is a conflict with extended family and so celebrating will be a little different this year. However, God provided and gave us (our immediate family) all peace, joy and happiness regarding the situation.

Another difference, finances. Now, we've always been a paycheck to paycheck family, right up until a few months before I stopped working outside the home in order to be home more with the kids. This year has been especially tight. We are scraping up any money that we can find for groceries, gas and gifts.

Yesterday morning, I was listening to Joyce Meyer on my iPod. The series 'just happened' to be about worry. She mentioned that worry is like you're not trusting God because God said...


Isaiah 41:10
10 So do not fear, for I am with you; 
   do not be dismayed, for I am your God. 
I will strengthen you and help you; 
   I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.




At the time I wasn't worrying about anything, but I meditated on it for future use...if you know me, and/or my extended family, you know we are a bunch of worriers. I knew it would happen at some point :)

So, of course, about an hour or two after the teaching, I started worrying frantically about our finances. As I was 'really getting into it', Joyce's voice popped into my head. Even though I know we're barely, barely making it this Christmas, I had a choice. Would I continue to worry or would I trust God with my finances and trust that He would provide? Now, trusting God with my finances doesn't mean someone will magically show up with money. Most of the time, whatever you 'picture' God doing is far different from what He actually does....yet He still provides, whatever you may NEED not WANT. :)

I chose trusting God. It took a quite a bit of discipline to stick with my choice. A good part of the morning and early afternoon, I struggled as worry would creep up on me. Each time, I would reaffirm that I trusted God, and the worrying thoughts became less frequent and less severe. By early evening, I had a joy inside of me that I cannot explain. It was a peace that surpasses all understanding. No one had magically shown up and given me anything, our financial struggles didn't disappear. The ONLY thing that changed, was that I chose to trust God. He gave me peace. THAT was greater than any amount of money I could ever receive.

Back to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

I finally finished it today. I really enjoyed it....and re-learned some things.

I am very thankful that since the accidents we are becoming more and more rooted in God as a family and we're sticking together.

Augustus Gloop reminded me---
I am very thankful we have decided and implemented more healthy eating habits for our children. I can definitely tell a difference in their health and attitudes.

Veruca Salt reminded me---
I am very thankful our children are not as spoiled as spoiled as they might be if we had more money (even though I was teasing Emily and calling her Veruca :)

Violet Beauregarde reminded me---
Life isn't about winning contests or signing the kids up for sports/classes/lessons all the time. Family time is more valuable than any of that and there is a balance.

Mike Teavee reminded me---
Time limits on video games/computers are a good thing.

Mr. and Mrs. Bucket reminded me---
When you're down to nothing, stick together and find the good. You can still love well when you don't have much money.

Charlie Bucket reminded me---
If you raise raise your kids 'right' and teach them what is valuable, chances are, they'll make better decisions...even if they have to give up a chocolate factory.

Maybe it's corny...that's okay.
The peace and joy we have in our homes can only come from God and for THAT, I am so thankful.

I pray that each and everyone of you has a very Merry Christmas and that you experience many blessings of God. That you may each get what you NEED.

Merry Christmas!!!


Phillipians 4:7
7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Gifts

‎"And don't forget to do good and to share with those in need. These are the sacrifices that please God." Hebrews 13:16


Love this verse.

Giving 'things' usually comes to mind first. Money, gifts, 'toys', clothes and such. What about something WAY more expensive than any thing? You know, Mercy, Grace, Forgiveness, Understanding, Love, Patience...things of that nature.

Have you received any of those at anytime in your life? Then, you know what an amazing gift it is and how wonderful it feels when someone shares THAT gift with you, especially when you're in need.

Give the gift that truly matters this holiday season.

Merry Christmas :)

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Beast

I have really (with the help of the Lord) been working on 'chilling out.' It is pretty easy for me to get worked up over unjust things. It has been going fairly well and had been getting better (really slowly) with each new (always something) challenge. However, it is still almost impossible for me to stick to that when it involves my children.

When I see or hear of how others treat my children poorly, there is this type of beast that comes up inside of me and wants to scratch someones eyes out. Obviously, I know I cannot....especially when it involves other children. So, I've had to rely on the Lord to guide me in the correct direction. Unfortunately, I've had to deal with this and fortunately, God has been faithful and calming. :)

However, what I have felt today has taken some extra restraint and major help from the Lord. I've found that when a family member who is supposed to love your children, and claims to, does something to hurt your children, the beast inside of me is worse than I have ever felt. I'm sure it wasn't by accident that the Lord had me experience it while driving. We don't talk on the phone while driving, so calling and 'freaking out' on the person wasn't an option. All I could do, was hold Mikey's hand and pray.....mostly for myself.

By the time we had gotten home, I had calmed down enough to keep praying and refrain from doing what I 'wanted' to.

I am so thankful that God continues to guide me and my family and I KNOW He will bring the truth to light.

1 Corinthians 4:5

New International Version (NIV)
5 Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait until the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart. At that time each will receive their praise from God.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

What the Shell

Hard shells are for protecting.
Many of us use them. Some on purpose. Some as a habit.

Mine has slowly been diminishing over time.

I've been relying on the Lord to protect me.

I recently went through something terrible and very stressful. Instead of having the hard shell protect me, I let the sadness out and spent a majority of a Brewers game in a bathroom stall, crying.

Who knew, that relying on God to protect you could be so hard? That people you thought you knew and had been so gracious to, would not themselves be gracious?

Jesus died on a cross for something he didn't do. He extends his mercy and grace to all, even those who have cursed him. He knew.


Sometimes, I miss my shell.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Committed to Him

Lately, I have been dealing with an 'issue' involving someone I was once very close to.

There are many things that are being said, which simply, are not truth. For awhile, my flesh crawled with the thought of someone spreading these untruths to others.

I don't know what I find more angering/hurtful/offensive....

The fact that much of what their saying is not true?
The fact that it's being said about me?
The fact that it's being said about my family?
The fact that my kids are being 'used'?
The fact that others are 'buying into it'?
The fact that the 'rules' don't apply to all?
The fact that they can set boundaries, but don't feel the need to respect mine/my family's?
Oh, there are so many more.....I could go on.

One fact that I am having a hard time coming to terms with----doesn't matter.
I'm not here to please others. Sure, sometimes it's easy to say....forget you-I could care less what you think. There might be times where that's'actually the truth, but most of the time I do care. Especially, when someone claims to 'know me/my heart', 'understand me' or can 'relate to me'.

My flesh wants to gather up all my 'evidence' and present my case. To show others the 'proof' that what they're saying is not true. As a matter of fact, I started to do just that.

The truth is, it doesn't matter. People will form their own opinions no matter what.

My focus needs to be Jesus.

When Luke left, I cannot tell you how many times I heard "Divorce him." I was hearing it from all different people, including his mom. Had I been focused on my flesh, I would have. However, I knew that I knew that I knew, that was not what the Lord wanted me to do. So, I had to continue to stand strong in that. There was no negotiating. I was going to do this God's way, and that was it.

As I go through this recent issue, I have to make sure my focus is on Jesus. I am determined to do this God's way. He has always been faithful to me and I trust Him, even when it hurts, even when I want to kick, scream and yell.

Isn't it fitting that today, I heard a message on trusting God with your reputation? How we're going to experience rejection and we need to pick up and move on.

Galatians 1:10
 10 Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.


Jesus was rejected---why would I think I am better than He is? His own family thought He was crazy.

I'd rather have God as my friend than a bunch of fickle humans who change their thoughts, opinions, wants and needs depending on which way the wind blows. That includes me.

So, today, I lay my reputation at the alter and give it to Christ.
I'm sure I'll have to do it again soon, probably in five minutes....but I am committed to following Him.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Vindication



Psalm 135:14


14 For the LORD will vindicate his people and have compassion on his servants.    

You know when you say something to a dog, and they tilt their head and look at you like, "What?" That's how I've been feeling lately with a certain situation.

How do you handle conversations that go something like this....

Me-"The sky is a very pretty blue today."
Other-"I'm so offended that you would say the sky is yellow!"
Me-"Um...I said the sky was a pretty blue?"
Other-"You specifically said, the sky is yellow!"

Now, while the actual conversation(s) did not happen like that, most of the conversations (as of late) with this person are just as misunderstood. I can see how someone might interpret things differently, I don't understand how something that is so simple can be misinterpreted. I know that sometimes we might think we said something, but instead maybe a different word came out.....but if it's written down in texts and emails....it's literally in black and white.

The frustrating thing is, I obviously want to defend myself and say...."Look! It says right here....'The sky is a very pretty blue today.' Where are you getting that I said it was yellow?" Then, they move onto something totally different, only to go back to the same comment a few days later. It's a continuous cycle. At some point, you just have to ignore it and move on. Obviously, nothing I say will convince this person otherwise. That is a terrible feeling. To plainly state something, and have someone, not even twist it around...but completely change it. Then, they tell others that you said something you didn't actually say. It's maddening. 

Now, I could go around and show everyone and their mother the texts to prove my case.....but what's the point? Then, it will turn into something WAY bigger than it already is.

Plus, there's the whole listening to God thing. I know I HAVE to do that. I know it's the ONLY way. I've been shown that time and time again. It is not easy though. My flesh wants to yell, kick and scream....it's not fair! 

Don't get me started on having someone question whether what I'm doing is honoring to God or Biblical, especially when they have watched firsthand, over and over again, as I do things I don't want to do, but I know God wants me to do. Talk about a smack in the face.

I digress.

PS-While similar situations with Luke may have happened in the past....I'm happy to report this is not about him. I am thankful with how incredibly encouraging he has been and it has been awesome to see him grow in his relationship with the Lord. :)


Isaiah 54:17

17 no weapon forged against you will prevail,
   and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.
This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD,
   and this is their vindication from me,”
            declares the LORD.


Monday, September 12, 2011

So Close--Yet--So Far


Well, today it has been two years since the accidents.

For those not familiar-- Accident.

At times, it feels like just yesterday, and other times-it seems so long ago.

I think the feelings of yesterday usually come when I hear the sound of emergency vehicles, see the Flight For Life helicopter or even just look at the kids. Sometimes, I become sad and want to cry that they had to go through all of that. I picture what it must have looked like to them and feel guilty that I wasn't in the vehicles.

The feelings of it being so long ago? I think that's because it feels like a different life, like each one of us is so different today....it's hard to believe it's only been two years. We aren't the same people, which is a blessing. We are so thankful the Lord kept us all together, here on earth. Grateful, because we know the outcome could have been different, the injuries-much worse.

I really think it's a miracle that the kids have no issues driving in a vehicle. They're not on edge or panicky, even with Luke driving. They don't have feelings of anger or resentment and see it as more of a positive thing for our family.....that's pretty amazing. I remember that soon after the accidents, I'm talking only days, Lucas (only 10 at the time) mentioned he thought, "God just wanted our family to slow down because we were going to fast, doing too much."

I also remember a conversation with my brother. I was telling him all the things I was going to do and had to do once everyone was released. At that moment, it hit me.....I realized I didn't have a vehicle to do any of it with. He looked at me and said something like.....God's been taking care of you and he'll keep taking care of you. If you know my bro....that might surprise you. ;) That meant a lot to me....so, Tony if I never told you that....there it is. :) Love you!

Guess what, God did provide. Someone gave us a vehicle! It lasted an entire year. After it broke down, there was a month where we did not own a vehicle. Friends and family came through and would let us use theirs. After a month, it was Luke who went out and negotiated a price on our current vehicle. Yes, I said LUKE! That, is a miracle. :)

While our medical bills still aren't settled and can cause stress, it doesn't compare to the huge blessings we received that day and in the days following.

We are so thankful!
Thankful to the Lord for all of our blessings and to the many people who helped us by cooking meals, organizing a fundraiser, donating money, driving the kids and Luke places when I couldn't be two places at once, listening to my rants venting, praying for us and anything else that may have slipped my mind.

We love you all!



Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Moving Past Feelings

So, yesterday I had a post titled Nonsense where I 'went off' about my money frustrations.

I have really been having a rough time with the Lord. There are times where I really believe he does not love me and really dislikes me. As bad things happen in my life, daily, I feel that more and more.

How fitting that yesterday, I would receive an email from Joyce Meyer Ministries for her new book Living Beyond Your Feelings. Seems fitting, right? I can get the book with a donation of any amount. I casually thought about it and put it in the back of my head.

Today, the morning did NOT start off well leading me to once again, feel disliked by the Lord.

I DVR Joyce Meyer every day. When Luke left and all through the accident ordeal, I listened/watched to Joyce at least once a day....sometimes more than that. As of late, I have not been watching and I also have not been reading my Bible as much....church? Yeah....haven't been in a few weeks.

I'm not saying bad things are happening because of this, but it definitely affects my attitude.

Today, Emily was watching a show and I had two things that were going to be DVR'd at the same time, which meant, I had to change the channel or cancel a show. I tried to cancel Joyce. Wouldn't work. Channel flipped. Thank God it did. I REALLY needed the message.

Go deeper with God.
Be honest with Him.
If you hate what he wants you to do, are tired of the way you're being treated, sick of your circumstances and worn out, tell him, then, do it anyway.
Even if you've done it over and over again, listen to Him.

Luke 5
4 When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, “Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch.”

5 Simon answered, “Master, we’ve worked hard all night and haven’t caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets.”

6 When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break. 7 So they signaled their partners in the other boat to come and help them, and they came and filled both boats so full that they began to sink.


Now, I need his help to go forward.

Psalm 38

8I am faint and sorely bruised [deadly cold and quite worn out]; I groan by reason of the disquiet and moaning of my heart.
    9Lord, all my desire is before You; and my sighing is not hidden from You.
    10My heart throbs, my strength fails me; as for the light of my eyes, it also is gone from me.
    11My lovers and my friends stand aloof from my plague; and my neighbors and my near ones stand afar off.
    12They also that seek and demand my life lay snares for me, and they that seek and require my hurt speak crafty and mischievous things; they meditate treachery and deceit all the day long.
    13But I, like a deaf man, hear not; and I am like a dumb man who opens not his mouth.
    14Yes, I have become like a man who hears not, in whose mouth are no arguments or replies.
    15For in You, O Lord, do I hope; You will answer, O Lord my God.
    16For I pray, Let them not rejoice over me, who when my foot slips boast against me.
    17For I am ready to halt and fall; my pain and sorrow are continually before me.
    18For I do confess my guilt and iniquity; I am filled with sorrow for my sin.
    19But my enemies are vigorous and strong, and those who hate me wrongfully are multiplied.
    20They also that render evil for good are adversaries to me, because I follow the thing that is good.
    21Forsake me not, O Lord; O my God, be not far from me.
    22Make haste to help me, O Lord, my Salvation.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Nonsense

I am not strong. I have no idea why people tell me I am. Is it because when I am punched over and over again, I continue to get up? I would say that's more of a stubborn thing. Like, "Oh, you think you're going to keep me down? Guess again!"

I am currently in a season where I am not really 'feeling it' from the Lord.

Wait-I just want to pause and say: Please don't panic and call/text/email/message or whatever and try to make me feel better. I don't mean to sound snotty or ungrateful, I just don't want to 'talk' about anything. If anything, just pray. I know the truth deep down....just not 'feeling' the truth.

It's just one thing after another, after another, after another........

It gets old.

One struggle I REALLY don't like to talk about---money.

I think there are a bunch of different reasons for this.

One reason-I was raised in an environment where you don't discuss your finances with others. You just don't.

Another-it's embarrassing to have people know you're barely making it. It's not like we're big spenders.. We live in a condo (don't get me wrong, it's a nice three bedroom townhouse style condo with four floors including a finished basement) with a tiny yard. We drive older vehicles that we paid cash for. We don't pay tuition this year as someone very generously gifted our children with that.

We come up with plans to pay off debt and things start out well, then...BAM....here come the ridiculous expenses putting us in worse shape than before.

I would say the biggest reason I avoid talking about our financial situation is that I don't want people to feel sorry for us or feel like they have to spring into action. I know we're not the only one with money issues. I know that our money issues aren't that serious compared to people who have no home, no family, poor health and so on.

Part of the reason I started this blog was to let others know 'who' I am--my struggles, my thoughts and my feelings. I feel like as I go through struggles, a lot of people will say how strong I am, or how I'm a good example....and other nice things.....I tend to look at them and tell them they are crazy. I wanted to be real and show people.....it's a struggle.....

It's just so frustrating when you are really trying hard to be responsible and make good financial decisions, yet new things continue to come along and smack you upside the head.

I mean....for the love....I can't refinance my home for a lower rate---why? Because I have medical bills from the accidents that the insurance company STILL hasn't paid.....we're going on two years! You see, because those bills haven't been paid, my mortgage company said we are too much of a risk to refinance. Really? Even though I have NEVER EVER been late on my mortgage in NINE years?! I was actually told that I would have a better chance if I missed payments. What the heck kind of a joke is that?!

We still owe an obscene amount of money for Luke's school loan, each time I try to pay it down, out of nowhere comes an expense. I'm convinced we will never pay the loan off.

It's not like we buy ridiculous things and waste our money, plus we do tithe and I would love to give away more money....if I had it.

I could go on and on and tell you different things---from just this week---that have happened.

Doesn't. Make. Sense.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Questions and Answers

Lately, I've been having one of those seasons, which seem to happen often, where everything seems to be chaos. I'm trying to balance a bunch of things in one hand, juggle a bunch of things in the other hand, while driving a car, as I put out fires, while still sorting through the aftermath of a bomb that went of awhile ago. It's at this point, I'm convinced the Lord thinks I'm way stronger than I am....or He's just simply forgotten about me....or thinks, "She's doing just fine." All the while, I'm a mess and thinking "Ummm, hello? Remember me? What in the world is going on here? Can I get a little help. Perhaps a break?" I mean, craziness all around. How is this possibly be some sort of a plan? Planning does not equal chaos. My plan would not have included chaos and would have been better, right?

Let's go back a bit.

One morning before taking the kids to school, I stopped at Starbucks. I pulled into a spot and Lucas got out of the car to go inside and get a frappuccino for me. As Michael, Emily and I sat waiting, a Cadillac Escalade pulled in and parked two spots away from me. Well, let me tell you, this guy had the nerve to park his big fancy vehicle over the line, so no one could park between his vehicle and mine. He got out of his vehicle and in my head I was thinking, "Well, look at this jag. Thinks he's some big business man hot shot, not wanting anyone to be close to his precious vehicle."

Then, out comes Lucas with my frappuccino. I thank him, he buckles up and we begin to pull out of the spot to leave. As I was backing up, I was mortified and embarrassed. I was the one who parked all jacked up!!! How did I not catch that? I am all OCD (no seriously) about being in a spot correctly. I am one of those people who will back in and pull forward to make sure I'm in the lines. Instantly, I sensed the Lord saying, "See. You don't always see things clearly when you're in the situation."

Oops.

That happened three years ago and I have not forgotten it. Now, that doesn't mean I no longer question God. I still present my plan and compare it to His. Many times, I still believe my way is better than His. However, when I'm in the middle of something, and I feel like things are out of control, and I start judging other people and God, eventually, I come back to the Cadillac Escalade and remember that I don't always see things clearly when I'm in the situation.

I still think my ways are better...humanly speaking......but I KNOW the truth is......His ways are better. Whether I can see it or not.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Now What?

So, I have these dreams. Very vivid dreams. So vivid, it's like I'm really living it. I'm really emotionally involved and when I wake up, it feels as though I haven't even slept. I've had them for as long as I can remember. I know it was before I was 10 years old. When I was younger, I would have them so often, I would plead and beg God to stop them from happening. For awhile, I wouldn't say they actually stopped, just affected me a little less. However, the past 13 years or so, they've been more frequent, vivid, disturbing, exhausting and many are reoccurring.

I can only remember one that actually happened the way it had in my dream. There are times that I have bad/good dreams that don't 'come true.' Most of the time, I can tell which ones are warnings of some sort. I have this feeling that I cannot describe.

There are a few frustrations I have with such dreams.

When these happen, I don't actually rest while I sleep. It is though the dream has actually happened, like I lived it. Not only do I feel the emotional feelings in the dream, I feel them when I wake up, just as strong. It's exhausting.

Why do I have these dreams if I can't give an exact translation? What's the point? I mean, maybe I could do something if I had a modern day Joseph to translate for me....but I don't.

Not familiar with Joseph? Click on Read More at the bottom of this post.

I will say, through a lot of prayer and replaying the dreams in my head, I can get a basic idea of what's going to happen. Which brings me to another frustration....

Now what? So, even if I have a basic translation---or even an exact translation, what the heck am I supposed to do with it. I mean, if I came to you and said, "Look, I've had this dream about you and this is what I gathered from it." What would you do/say? I mean, really? I would probably look at someone like....ok freak. Who is going to listen to ME? How will what I say prevent something from happening? Are you going to change something you're doing or not doing because I said I had a dream?

So, if I have these 'warning' dreams and no one is going to pay attention or DO anything about it, why must I be the one to suffer? Why do I have to go through feeling emotionally sick? Where is the purpose in that?

I mean, no offense, but I have enough of my own emotional baggage to sort out, why take on someone else's?

I would have no problem adding other people's issues to me, if there was a way it would help. But, it doesn't.


Friday, August 12, 2011

A 'Good' Christian?

I am not a 'good' Christian.

I do not think I'm better than everyone else because I'm a Christian. I'm better than everyone else for other reasons. ;) Kidding.....or am I?

Since my neighbor passed, my brain is trying to 'get used' to the idea of her not being here. I won't see her as we're coming home or leaving. I won't be seeing her while getting the mail. I won't see her out in the yard. Just gone.

I am very thankful for my faith. I know that I don't have to be a 'good' Christian to go to Heaven because

Romans 3:23
23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God


Neither I, nor anyone else will be in Heaven because of what WE did.

John 3:16
16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Jesus died for us. For OUR sins. Not His.

While I don't completely understand it, and I will confess that I cannot even fathom having one of my children (and them agreeing with it) DIE for something someone else did, the fact is He did. He loves us so much we cannot even comprehend it.

The thought of Jesus dying for MY sins is both angering to me and makes me feel loved. I question the Lord on MANY things....but guess what? He still loves me and still died for me. When I yell, kick, scream and sometimes even swear while 'talking' to Him (doesn't sound like a 'good' Christian to me), He still loves me and still died for me.
Well, that's another post for a different day.

Either way, I'm thankful that even though I'm not a 'good' Christian, the last time I saw my neighbor, wasn't the last time I will see her.

PS-I'm not proud of all the 'bad' things I do as a Christian, I just want to be honest about myself. :)

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Snapped Back-Part 1

About six years ago my neighbor found out she had esophageal cancer. What I did not realize is that the survival rate for that type of cancer is poor because it's usually not discovered until it's later stages. She went through treatment and was in remission. I was very thankful and so was her family.

On her five year check-up, they discovered a tumor in her brain. She had surgery to remove it and they did tests on it to see what type of cancer it was. They wanted to see if it was a new kind or if it was from the esophageal cancer. They said that they have seen the phenomenon of  cancer traveling the central nervous system in breast cancer survivors, but esophageal cancer patients tend to not be survivors in the first place. When the results came back, they showed it was esophageal cancer and everyone was optimistic. She beat it once, she can do it again, was the consensus.

For the last few weeks I saw more and more cars coming to her house. I would see people taking her places (I later found out Chemo) and she would smile, say hello and wave. Since, one of us was coming or going, we never got the chance to speak. Then, I noticed that I didn't see her, just her family/friends visiting.

Finally, one day when I came home, her daughter ran out to greet me. We had often talked via email through the first few months of the cancer returning. I had been looking for her email address for awhile and couldn't find it. She informed me that her mom was not doing well and would be lucky if she made it until the end of the month. Things were going well for awhile, but then the cancer spread and they could no longer help her. :(

My heart hurt.

She asked if I would be able to help if they needed lifting her and such. Of course, I was willing. When I hadn't heard from anyone, I emailed her daughter and asked if I could visit.

The last time I had seen Sue, she looked 'normal'.

When I entered her bedroom, my heart broke. She no longer had hair, her face was puffy, her body was frail and she looked like she had aged 20 years. Her eyes though, were the same. I could see 'her' in her eyes. My heart broke. It was hard to see her struggle for words and try to remember what she wanted to say. However, one of the first things she asked was how my husband (Luke) was. Since the accidents she has ALWAYS asked that. She is so caring, sweet and unselfish.

When I got home, I immediately went to my room and cried. I couldn't even engage in conversation the rest of the night.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

What's the Hurry?!

So, I haven't been 'keeping up' with this as much as I wanted to. I have started a whole bunch of posts as thoughts pop into my head, I just haven't finished them yet. It's how I roll. Seriously though---thoughts pop into my head at the most inopportune times, when I'm just about to fall asleep, when I wake up in the middle of the night, when I'm not at home, and so on and so forth. So, I just quick log on from my phone and type my thoughts/ideas up and save it for later. I'm not really sure when later will be. I would finish the posts from my phone, but it's so annoying to type long things on there. I type too fast, then my phone gets angry with me.

Since it's summer, and the kids are home, I have been enjoying almost every minute of it. I mean, you know, there's the usual fighting....Lucas teases, Michael retaliates and hits, Emmy likes to get in on the action and starts hitting whomever, but for the most part it has been GREAT!

However, I went into Walmart today and was VERY sad to see school supplies out already!!!!
What. In. The. World.
So, NOT cool. It's not even the middle of July :( Do people even have a school supply LIST already?

Look, I like school supply shopping as much as the next person, but I like summer even more! The weather for most of June was crummy, now we finally have nice weather and they put school supplies out?! I just want to soak in as much summer as I can and enjoy every minute with my family and friends. Stop trying to rush me to the end of it!

I refuse to be rushed and am going to continue to enjoy my blessings. :)

Friday, June 24, 2011

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not? HE LOVES ME!

Sorry if this post is all over the place....it was 4:30 in the morning. :)

Lately, I've been going through some things.

As I make my way through the challenges I am faced with, I must confess, I have been frustrated with the Lord. There are times when I feel like I have to prove myself, not just to Him, but everyone. I know deep down, somewhere in there, that I don't have to prove anything, but when I'm going through a rainstorm, things aren't so clear.

I've been feeling discouraged, frustrated, alone and sad. I'm a really passionate person, if someone I care about is being hurt or attacked, I have their back. Well, I have never had someone like that for me, and honestly, there are times when I feel like even the Lord doesn't have my back.

It's like, somehow I'm not good enough, or what I say or do doesn't matter.

It feels as though it's one thing after another. I try to follow a 'formula' of sorts---like being 'good' should equal less trials, right? While going through life, I pray for wisdom, seek wise counsel and so on, but yet, like the Israelites, I feel as though I'm wandering the desert. To me, if you do what your supposed to, you should pass the test, right? In a perfect world, yes. Unfortunately, we are not in a perfect world.

I feel misunderstood very often. As I was praying, I was wondering if this was my cross to bear in life. I felt discouraged and sad. Later, Luke and I started talking about bearing crosses. He mentioned that he thought mine was dealing with injustice, which IS a huge struggle for me. I said "Great, I have more than one cross." Then, I explained what I thought it was. He made a comment that being misunderstood is an injustice. You want people to see your heart, you try to communicate your feelings and instead people might take things in a way they were not intended. Instead of looking at your heart and WHO you are, they come to their own conclusion  That's most definitely not fair and is an injustice.

So, I've been struggling to even pray for myself or even read the Bible.....I felt like---what's the point? I don't want to argue why I'm 'worthy' of being loved. So, I spent most of my time praying for others and their needs.

Well-it's 4:30am and I cannot sleep because Luke is snoring. I decided to read the Bible and opened my Bible App on my phone. As it was loading, I closed my eyes and asked the Lord to guide me to a passage. Within seconds--'start at Isaiah.....54:7'
Ummmm-ok.....


7 “For a brief moment I abandoned you,
   but with deep compassion I will bring you back.
8 In a surge of anger
   I hid my face from you for a moment,
but with everlasting kindness
   I will have compassion on you,”
   says the LORD your Redeemer.
 9 “To me this is like the days of Noah,
   when I swore that the waters of Noah would never again cover the earth.
So now I have sworn not to be angry with you,
   never to rebuke you again.
10 Though the mountains be shaken
   and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
   nor my covenant of peace be removed,”
   says the LORD, who has compassion on you.
 11 “Afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted,
   I will rebuild you with stones of turquoise,[a]
   your foundations with lapis lazuli.
12 I will make your battlements of rubies,
   your gates of sparkling jewels,
   and all your walls of precious stones.
13 All your children will be taught by the LORD,
   and great will be their peace.
14 In righteousness you will be established:
Tyranny will be far from you;
   you will have nothing to fear.
Terror will be far removed;
   it will not come near you.
15 If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing;
   whoever attacks you will surrender to you.
 16 “See, it is I who created the blacksmith
   who fans the coals into flame
   and forges a weapon fit for its work.
And it is I who have created the destroyer to wreak havoc;
 17 no weapon forged against you will prevail,
   and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.
This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD,
   and this is their vindication from me,”
            declares the LORD.

This isn't the first time, and I'm sure it's not the last time, that the Lord has 'spoken' to me. He has faithfully revealed Himself to me over and over again.......yet, I doubt His love for me. Talk about an injustice.

Through all that, He STILL loves me.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Continued Prayers and Support

A few days ago, I wrote a post about Mila Adams

I have another link for you as well. It's a link where you can donate, buy shirts/stickers/bracelets and it has an address listed so you can send her an encouraging card. It's her birthday on June 16th and she'll be spending it in the hospital.

Please check out the new link, spread the word and continue to pray for Mila!

Thank you!

Princess Mila

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Prayers

Please pray for the daughter of my friend's friend. She is 6 years old and has cancer (tumor in her brain) and cancer cells in her spinal fluid. Her name is Mila Adams--here is her caringbridge site


Mila Adams


the cancer is an aggressive type :(

Thank you!

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Are You Fronting?

I can tell an authentic smile from unhappiness fronting as one.

I don't mean that in a cocky way. I don't know 'why' I can, but I can. I might not always come out and say something, maybe it's not the time or the place. However, you can be sure that whether I say something or not, I see it.

I can't really explain 'how' I do it. I guess it's something with the eyes.....I can actually see joy or sadness in them. I think it's something with the body language too...sometimes, it's like they glow (not literally) when they're joyful....I can even see it from a picture. Then, there's also just a sense.....I can sort of 'feel' their sadness or their joy.

It pulls at my heart when I see the sadness behind the smile. I feel sad that they feel the need to hide it, or maybe they don't realize it.....I can relate to both. Maybe, that's what hurts my heart the most.

I wish I could help people who don't have that joy.
I can't....but I know Who can. ;)
So, I just pray.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Fight or Flight.........or Fall

Once upon a time I LOVED to fly. Really, really, really loved to fly.

When my BFF Sarah lived in Kansas, I would often fly down to visit. I treasured the take off, time in the air and landing. It still amazes me that planes can fly. I mean, those things are huge....(that's what she said)....seriously, and with all those people and all that luggage.....AND it stays in the air for a LONG time (I said it once and I'm not saying it again).....I could sit at an airport and watch planes take off and land all day long. 

However, in 2006, when our family first flew together, flying was no longer relaxing. About a week before the flight I had a horrible dream that something was wrong with the plane and the plane was going to crash. Now, it's not uncommon for me to have dreams that come true.....usually, I have a 'feeling' and kind of 'know' which ones are warnings of sorts. I knew this one was one of those. Being a superstitious/paranoid/worrisome/anxious person, I didn't want to tell ANYONE about the dream, fearing that would somehow 'make' it come true. I prayed a lot about it, then decided to tell my mother-in-law, so she could pray as well. 

On the day of our flight, we checked in, went through security and sat for a bit. We were then informed that our flight was going to be delayed. We waited eight hours for them to find a different plane, they had to fly it in from somewhere else. Turned out, they found some huge issue with the plane....serious enough to ground it. So, ever since that day, I've been more nervous flying.

Last weekend, Luke and I went to Arizona, without the kids. I was pretty busy right up until we boarded and didn't have much time to stress about the actual flight. Luke and I didn't get to sit together because of an Expedia mix-up, but I was just glad to be on the plane and finally headed to warmer weather. The flight was uneventful and went rather smoothly.

Then came the flight home. We got to sit next to each other, so that was good.....the take off....not so much. It felt like we couldn't get air under us. We flew low for a LONG time and there was a lot of turbulance. Panic set in as I nervously watched to see if we were going down. I was sick to my stomach and inside was shaking. I hid it well, Luke had no idea. Once were finally up, I was exhausted from worrying so much, but was able to somewhat relax......not too much though, because I knew we were about to fly into some bad weather and could have to land in it.

When the flight started, the pilot mentioned it would be about a 2 hour and 45 minute flight. Sounded great, until we began the descent. I am not kidding.....it took at LEAST 45 minutes for us to land. We were flying super low, I could see a plane off to the side, there was a lot of turbulence, we kept flying in circles, all the while listening to the landing gear go up and down. Of course, no one telling us anything.

Remember this? It wasn't that long ago....but I remember watching it and being nervous for the people.

So, at this point I'm picturing my poor kids watching, whatever is happening with our plane, unfold. I'm also watching us fly over the lake, wondering if we're dropping fuel or maybe we have to land, a la Sully Sullenberger......and I can't go onto my wi-fi because at this point "all electronic devices must be turned off." It was awful.

Once we finally did land, I was so thankful. We never did find out any info on what happened. Plus, you know how the pilots usually stand near the cockpit and say good-bye to you? They didn't even come out.

Will I ever be able to enjoy flying again?!


Saturday, May 7, 2011

Living After Loss

Today's blog isn't about me.....but a friend.

Her name is Annie, and she is a precious and humble person. Unfortunately, her baby Jack was taken out of this world much, much too soon. Annie has decided to blog about the journey she is now on and openly shares her thoughts and feelings.

Sometimes, it's hard to know what to say or do when someone you care about loses someone they love.

If you get a chance, I highly recommend you check it out!

Life...in Progress

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Speechless

So much has been going on. I'm just having a problem putting it all into words.

Many of my friends have been talking about the book, Heaven is for Real. Since I haven't had time to purchase the book, I bought the audio iPhone App. Just thinking of the book brings tears to my eyes. What the Lord did in their lives is nothing short of amazing. I encourage you to read it or listen to the audio.

That's all I can say right now, because there just aren't any words.

As I said on my FB page-I'm speechless. It doesn't happen very often-you should just enjoy it.
:)


John 20:29
Then Jesus told him, "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed."

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Smelling the Roses

Do you stop and smell the roses?

I would say most times I walk past flowers, I stop and smell them. I LOVE not only the smell of flowers, but I enjoy the colors, how they're arranged and just how pretty they are. Some people feel like flowers are a waste of money. They figure, they die, so what's the point?

I would argue....so do we. THAT'S why we SHOULD stop and smell the roses. Appreciate the fragrance, color, arrangement and beauty of life.

It's pretty safe to say we are all busy. Whether it's family, friends, work, errands or whatever else. We all seem to be running around like chickens with our heads chopped off. We barely take time to stop and really be grateful for all we've been blessed with.

Sometimes it's unplanned, sometimes I force myself to and sometimes life forces me to take time, pause and soak in all of my blessings. In the chaos, I 're-cognize' (thank you Elizabeth Murphy) my thinking.  If the kids are fighting--I appreciate that we were blessed with three healthy children. The house has never ending projects----I appreciate we have a home. The house is in shambles---I appreciate that we have 'things' for our home. I have to figure out what to make for dinner---I appreciate we have food to make for dinner. I'm in the car a lot....driving the kids to/from school, sporting events, friends houses, appointments and until recently-Luke to work---I appreciate that I don't have to work outside the home and can be there for my kids. The kids argue with me---I appreciate they have opinions and will stand up for what they believe in--sometimes that's a really hard one to appreciate ;)

I definitely don't do it as often as I should and can become frustrated with the chaos. However, when I do stop, reflect and appreciate all I've been given.....life seems so much better.

So, I guess you could say I literally and figuratively stop and smell the roses. :)

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Reflection

 
So, I'm about to be another year older. I've really never had any issues with feeling old or being depressed about my age. Usually, I really look forward to the day. I have MANY good birthday memories, having my friends over for parties, McDonald's parties (anyone remember those?), being so excited about getting a 10-speed for my 10th birthday (aaahhh....that's Mikey's age!) and turning 18. The only year I had a 'problem' with was 25, that was the year I felt panicky about getting old. At the time, I had a four year old and a six year old!



Since then, I've been okay with the numbers, even 30. I think when I start to get a little 'sad' is when I look at pictures from way back and realize....it was WAY back! I mean, I don't think I'm old until I look back at all I used to do and think...wow....I couldn't do that any more. Working three jobs and walking to all of them, getting only a few hours of sleep a night, always busy going places or hanging out with people, leaving the house without make-up while wearing my pajamas and so many more things....

Today, someone posted pics that brought me way back. Let me preface by saying, I was not a fan of high-school. I did NOT care for it at all and no amount of money would ever persuade me to do it all again. I DID enjoy Senior Retreat. However, when I saw pics from this years CMH Senior Retreat, it made me teary eyed for a couple reasons.....one-I had a really great time with my friends and it was a great experience and two-because I don't remember as much as I wish I would. It's not like I was 'on' anything. If you know me, you already 'know' me. :) I just don't remember. :( THAT makes me feel old. Especially since I usually remember everything, details and all.

It's a bit of a loss, to say the least.

As I reflect on the last (almost) 32 years, I'm going to focus more on the many ways in which the Lord has blessed me.

  • I love my children and the many ways they keep me laughing.
  • I have a 'new' husband who I love-and I didn't even have to get remarried ;)
  • I have fantastic in-laws who are VERY supportive and loving of me and my family.
  • Loving parents.
  • A brother who can finish my songs :) 
  • A group of REALLY caring cousins.
  • New and old friends who support me, love me, challenge me and accept me.
So, thank you Lord for all of these wonderful blessings and thank YOU all for loving me.

Monday, April 4, 2011

An Untimely Ending

A few days ago, a young girl named Lindsay Huenink, lost her life. She was young, well liked, beautiful inside and out and a Christian. There are many stories of her always smiling, laughing and cheering up others. In all the pictures I've seen, all those things appear to be true. Yet, she chose to bring her life to an end.

Lindsay Huenink Article

To so many, including myself, it doesn't make sense. On the other hand I've been there. In a depression so deep and feeling all alone. Not wanting to burden anyone with my problems. When you're THAT sad, you aren't yourself and you aren't thinking clearly. Things seem much worse than they actually are, and it seems the darkness of the night magnifies it even more.

I know a lot of people are thinking, but she was a Christian. She had the love of Christ, how could this happen? Unfortunately, being a Christian does not exempt you from sadness, depression or feeling lonely. Yes, God is always with us, but when you can't actually 'see' him and all the worldly things are screaming in your face, you can become distracted. Satan is most definitely NOT pleased with Christians. It's his goal to take the world down with him. This young girl was compassionate, caring, counseled young younger children at camp, involved in her church, close to her parents and brother.....I don't see how Satan wouldn't be threatened.

It hurts my heart that she felt this deep sadness and that she felt taking her own life was her only option. The thing about depression is many don't reach out and get help. Whether it's because you don't 'want' to, feel you don't 'need' to or it just seems like to much work. Plus, you don't want to burden others and many times you feel bad for feeling the way you do, especially when you're viewed as someone who is always happy.

Selfishness is another thing that comes to people's minds in regards to suicide (ick--I don't even like to type the word). They think, well, you've ended your life and you've left your friends and family to grieve, hurt and deal with unanswered questions. I can see how that would be a 'normal' reaction and all....but it's just not true.  The pain and sadness is so strong....they just aren't thinking clearly. They honestly think they're sparing others from themselves.

I used this tragic story as an opportunity to talk with Lucas, my 12-year old, about depression and suicide. It was hard topic to discuss. Part of me doesn't want to give him ideas and/or scare him, but the other part knows that it's important to educate him. To tell him how important HE is and that NOTHING is that bad....no matter what he thinks at the time. I let him know that the feeling can be overwhelming and even though he probably won't feel like it, reach out and talk with someone. I also told him to care for others as well, even people who he thinks are always happy and have it all together. The truth is no one is ever happy 100% of the time.

I pray that people will learn more and become more proactive. I know the news doesn't really report on suicides. They don't want to sensationalize it or give people ideas. I just don't think that's the way to go. They report on murders, robberies and other crimes, why not suicides? Why not use it to make people aware of depression? Why not use it as an opportunity to save others?

Today, while I was reading the paper, I came across another suicide story. Someone who had attempted it and then realized he didn't want to die. He used his story to spread an anti-suicide message to teens. Unfortunately, he lost his life this weekend in a car accident.

Devin Steinfort-Anti-suicide message

I hope you will join me in praying for the Huenink and Steinfort families as they make their way on this difficult journey. I also hope that you use their stories to raise awareness.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

What's Next?

Unless you've been living under a rock, you've heard that Elizabeth Taylor passed away on Wednesday. It's been neat and strange to see the pictures of her life. While watching the news programs scroll through her pictures, I saw this nine year old, age to seventy-nine years. Seven decades. It was 'neat' because you actually saw the age progression right before your eyes, and 'strange' because it reminded me that this life doesn't last forever. It doesn't matter if you're rich or poor, Republican or Democrat, an atheist or a Christian, young or old, our time here on earth WILL one day come to an end.

I'm so thankful that I don't have to worry about where I'm going.

Revelation 21:4 ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”


I'm certainly not going there because 'I'm good enough.' I'm a sinner and I will be until the day I die. I'm thankful that Jesus came down and suffered a horrible death for not only for MY sins, but the sins of ALL people. Grace. Mercy.

Ephesians 2 
4 But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5 made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. 6 And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, 7 in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. 8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast. 10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Thankful :)

I had an AMAZINGLY productive day, with surprisingly little sleep. There were a lot of appointments to be made, which meant, many phone calls, waiting for return phone calls and coordinating schedules. I also had a lot of miscellaneous things that needed to be done, you know, the kind of things that take only five or ten minutes, but are SUCH a pain. Since I have perfected the 'art' of procrastination I had many of these miscellaneous things to do. Bleh.....but....I DID THEM! Wait, not only did I complete these things, I did it with Emily all up in my business, singing as I was trying to finish said tasks. Hey-at least she wasn't screaming or throwing fits.

It feels really good to get things done. Hopefully, I'll continue on this track.

To finish the day off, I just got back from driving our SECOND vehicle home! Yay!!!

This is the first time since September 12th, 2009, that we've had two vehicles.
Accidents -For those of you new to the blog.

A very good friend and her husband were selling their vehicle, and sold it to us for a VERY VERY VERY great deal! As I parked it in the parking lot, I turned, looked at it and my heart filled with joy and thankfulness at what the Lord has provided for us.

Isn't it great.....no matter how many 'wrong' things we do, He still loves us. No matter what Satan throws in our face, He will always work for the good of those who love Him.

I don't love God very well and I don't always make wise choices (I know, I know, hard to believe ;)), I'm not always loving, kind or a great example. I often stumble, become distracted and occasionally spew venom at poor unsuspecting people. In spite of all that, I love the Lord with all my heart and I know He loves me.

Thank you, Jesus-for being so faithful to me, when I am not always faithful to you.


Romans 8:28

 28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.


Living, He loved me
Dying, He saved me
Buried, He carried my sins far away
Rising, He justified freely forever
One day He’s coming
Oh glorious day, oh glorious day

Glorious Day-Casting Crowns

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Fear Starts to Take Root.........

Luke left to pick up Lucas from youth group yesterday.....shortly thereafter I heard sirens.....VERY close to the house. Lots of them......just like in Sept. 2009. When this happens, I immediately text and or call to verify everything is okay.....it was.

I don't know when/if ever that will change. But, I started to think about when my fear started.....here is one of my earlier memories....

One morning, when my brother and I were in gradeschool, we were waiting for my dad to get home from work so he could drive us to school. My dad worked third shift and my mom would leave for work a short time before he would get home. On this particular day it was taking my dad longer to get home. I don't remember all the details or the exact timing, but I remember while we watched out the window, I would picture my dad just leaving work and in my mind, I would 'drive' his route home. I'm sure I did that at least two times as we waited and at some point we could hear sirens. You could tell they were really close. I think I was a little worried.....but kind of pushed it to the back of my mind. I want to say that either my mom or I eventually called my aunt to bring us to school.

Obviously, we were late to school, but went about our day. At some point, a teacher or principal (I can't remember which) came into my classroom and pulled me out. She let me know that my mom had called and my dad had been in an accident. I was kind of shocked and shaken up. I asked to call my mom to see how my dad was. I think I had wanted to leave school, but my mom told me he was fine.....I'm thinking....then why call me out of class to tell me that? Why not wait until we were out of school. The rest of the day was kind of a blur and I was still worried.

As it turned out, my dad was waiting to turn left onto our street, a car rear ended him at 50mph. Those sirens we heard were for him. When we were younger, my dad would RARELY, if ever, wear his seatbelt. For some reason, that day, he chose to wear it. Thank God! While he was waiting he also kept his wheels straight instead of turning them toward the direction he was turning, this saved him from hitting another vehicle coming in the opposite direction. If I remember correctly, he ended up fully reclined, with one leg up on the dashboard.

When I eventually saw the pictures of the car, I think I became more scared at what 'could' have happened.

Before that accident, I really don't remember ever being worried if someone (mostly my immediate family) was late.

I do remember being afraid and worried about death in general and not knowing what I would do if they (family/friends) died.....but I'm pretty sure this accelerated things even more.

As far as I was concerned, it wasn't just a 'what if'.....it came close and gave me more of a reason to fear it.

Psalm 23:4
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

After the Fact

People have been asking me how my fast went and what I've learned. I figured I'd just do a post and answer the questions.

Overall, I'd say it went pretty well. I cannot believe I ACTUALLY went five days without eating food. It started off 'easy', but as the days went on it became more difficult. The nights were probably the hardest. Laying in bed, tired and wanting to go to sleep....but so hungry! It was a real battle in my mind. Pray....hunger......pray.....hunger....until I'd fall asleep.....then I'd wake up in an hour or two and start again.....pray.....hunger.....pray......

Things I learned?
  • Eating is such a habit.....a lot of times I don't 'think' about it.....I just do it. I had to be careful of that. 
  • It's hard to concentrate when you're hungry.
  • Next time, I'll have more of a 'plan'--specific verses and requests written down.
  • I am not very patient when I'm hungry.....I'll need verses for that next time as well!
  • Apparently, you are not supposed to 'tell' people when you are fasting. I'm not sure about prayer fasting though....I like for people to tell me their prayer requests, that way I can pray more specifically. Plus, I'm not doing it for a 'reward'.....or maybe the 'reward' would be prayer answers? I'll have to get back to you on that one.
  • Next time I fast-I will NOT tell anyone....unless they ask.....
  • I like to pray for people.....so whether I'm fasting or not, feel free to send your requests on over and I will pray.
Here is a verse I found

Matthew 6:16-18

    16 “When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show others they are fasting. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. 17 But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, 18 so that it will not be obvious to others that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Crazy?

Lately, for obvious reasons, people have been talking about Charlie Sheen. When I first saw him, I was really surprised at how terrible he looks. :( I hadn't actually heard him speak until yesterday, when I heard bits and pieces of his interviews and.....WOW. 


My guess is he has some sort of personality disorder....seems like it very well could be that he is bipolar. Listening to him talk, brought me back a little. It's so strange to watch someone else, not 'related', in an episode. I kind of laughed for a minute at the ridiculous words that were coming out of his mouth and that he actually BELIEVES them. Then, it made me sad as I thought about his children and what they'll have to deal with as a result of their fathers actions. 


Most likely, if/when he comes out of this episode, he will not remember much of what he has said and done. Unfortunately, for him and his family, there seems to be a lot of footage of the 'craziness'. 


This is one of his many quotes, "I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen." 
The grandiosity of bipolar disorder. Untouchable. No consequences. Not living in reality. 


Hopefully, if it is bipolar (or another personality disorder) his family will get the support they need. I am forever grateful for the support I received....from family, friends and Jesus.


Bipolar Disorder (Formerly Manic Depressive Illness)
Bipolar disorder involves periods of elevated or irritable mood (mania), alternating with periods of depression. The "mood swings" between mania and depression can be very abrupt. Between mood swings a person can also experience 'normal' moods.
"Manic" describes an increasingly restless, energetic, talkative, reckless, powerful, euphoric period. Then, at some point, this high-flying mood can spiral into something darker -- irritation, confusion, anger, feeling trapped.
"Depression" describes the opposite mood -- sadness, crying, sense of worthlessness, loss of energy, loss of pleasure, sleep problems.
But because the pattern of highs and lows varies for each person, bipolar disorder is a complex disease to diagnose. For some people, mania or depression can last for weeks or months, even for years. For other people, bipolar disorder takes the form of frequent and dramatic mood shifts.


What Are the Signs of Mania With Bipolar Disorder?

The signs of mania with bipolar disorder include:
  • Disconnected and racing thoughts
  • Grandiose notions
  • Inappropriate elation
  • Inappropriate irritability
  • Inappropriate social behavior
  • Increased sexual desire
  • Increased talking speed and/or volume
  • Markedly increased energy
  • Poor judgment
  • Severe insomnia
From WebMd